Happy Birthday Flower

Hey Brittany, I don't know if your sleep right now but I just wanted to remind you or let you know that your friendship really means a whole lot to me and a whole lot more then my actions tell. Also that though things seem like they may have changed from awhile back in some ways. I'm still here and not much as changed or well they have changed but for the better and the only change Ive made is what you see on the surface for the better... I still love you. You still mean a lot to me. I'm sorry if you want me to be more open with you, or "the way things used to be" I just can't because... Well it's a thing with me. It wouldn't be right for me to ask change of you therefore I change myself to adjust with you with I want to be a part of your life. I feel like I already know the way things will be with you and that's what bothers me. I can't or I shouldn't live in the romantic world of me and you in my head. I need to be in reality and I'm learning to see it more clearly...slowly. For the better. I act like a child, and basically when the times comes that you really are frustrated or mad at me I notice its what you call me. It's what your describing with your words and its what I realized a time ago. So I'll change for you. Don't take me wrong for saying this I'm just keeping it real. I need to grow up right? I'm not making this about me and if I am it's because I want to be better for you. So don't rant to me about it. I'm not blaming you for anything either I'm making the situation into what it is. The reality of it is that I feel a certain way and I've felt a certain way and that's the big issue. So I keep that to myself though it tares me apart everyday because I do. Yet when I don't keep it to myself it seems to be worse for my emotions. But whatever!!!! Lol anyway ..I don't like the way things are between me and you lately and it needs to change for the new year... P.S. I love you so much and I really need you in my life... Happy Birthday :)

********btw you can tell by how I started this, that I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks or well actually a month and 2 days to be exact...****

Mr... Just me.

And on another note... If you found out what you tell people influenced them in negative ways... When you only vent to people to let them know what your going through... Never putting that weight on them or telling them it has anything to do with them.. It's a fucked up thing... But I guess that's why I've always been Mr. Misunderstood.. Juust my Depression, suicidal, passionate, and thoughtful ways that makes me...me. but what do you do? You disappear.... because if they can't see you what can they say? What can they say if your voice is only that that you can hear from a box? It's in the mail... Watch me.. No need to check on me.. I'm not for sell.

Mrs.

This may just be my last blogpost... And the problem is I'm too self centered... so for the final act I may just need to let the whole world revolve around the. We'll see.... Don't miss me...

My probably silence

It's all good though 😷🌇🎈🎉

Friends---Girlfriend

There's a difference between girlfriend and friend, but what I'm realizing is that if your friends first ...that's better sometimes...

The door

If people say or imply they no longer want to be a part of your life... What do you do? You didn't push them out so they wanted to leave...

Posted (Im spoken)

My damn words, don't take it like you get it or know what I'm talking about! These are my words, so I vent....so I say what's on my mind, etc... If something is ever posted anywhere from me ...DON'T TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT...or....THINK YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT OR WHO FOR THAT MATTER.... You act like I'm just doing things and in a way I am... But damn it I got a reason and you need to hear it.... My mistake for expecting you to ask... You can't trully care of your not willing to hurt, and that cuts deep.. You can't think your with someone or your going to be if you never establish that dialogue... And to be real that dialogue is what relationships count on... Stop being so "ima hold myself while I keep myself happy in everyway" that's impossible... Because if you tell me your happy that way I'll tell you your not and why your not... Confusion stems from a lack of spoken words in a decision... Lost means you gotta open up to find what your looking for... You won't always find it in yourself... Because you are the lost one...

Recent abilities

Too much to write about... Too much to talk about... But I'm just getting done with talking about shit that happened months ago... Or am I done. I blog a lot less now and lately simply because doing this vents out emotion or well basically this is a form of expression like music to me so maintaining both has me pulling on a rope... There's something I've wanted to do a lot more lately... I mean I've been depressed but I've never wanted to take it that far... I'm not depressed anymore but I feel like an action would be the ultimate form of relaxation. I'll be back at some point here writing about what's been going on on my side with your problems... Or should I talk about that? Lol I'm in the closest sense of being in a relationship that makes my friends awkward, and I can't care about it because I have to do things for me sometimes. I deserve it! Right? Thank you. Quiet as kept there's so much I can speak on with you yet I've kept it quiet for a reason... My girlfriend set it up like we're friends first, or maybe I did that myself..who knows? I just live it right? I mean she's what I wanted so I'm happy right? I can't seem to focus on things though... Relationships to friendships to all and all, I wish the connection would be as deep as I want it and to have a connection where I no long have to worry about what I tell someone because they realize it's me and accept me for it. But there's always a silent judge, how my actions fuck me.. Haha I'm incomplete and lately I feel as though I never will be complete... Isn't it wrong to tell someone how to love you? Isn't it wrong to tell a friend how to be a friend?... To tell family how to be family? Wish on my stars.... My eyes, your heart... Guide me :) 🎆🎆

About me

If there's ever a time when I don't want to deal with this and I give up, I'll just get back to me and be back where I started chasing my dreams on my own. But my search for a women that'll make me feel like I don't ever have to consider giving up, isn't going to put me through a bunch of stuff and or honestly tells me they put me through nothing at all. It's still on! I'm self conscious, I literally feel like I don't deserve people at times, yet they got me like wrong... And it's on... There's things about me..

Running

Did you know it's all running in direct directions? Do you know what that means?

Help

I need your help interpreting things, you say it's trust. I had no idea what it was. I just really need your help (no not someone judging me) but legit help.

My business with "loveyou's" and as well as things I hate to say but have to Part 2

But what do I (Need) to let go of really.. do you feel me? differences are faar yet similar do you get it? Why the fuck do I want to make music or spend time with my family so much? Because the shit hurts.... man I havent felt.... nah fuck outta here... I aint sayin that... I aint admitting to that. I make music and do everything I do because it keeps my mind off of you period... I smile just so I dont cry or frown and somebody askes me "whats wrong?"... words cant describe... but do you realy think im getting better.. tell me your thoughts on it... ..haha... as if my thoughts were what you were thinking... I take a step further...

The Things I Need to Say but Hate to....Part 1

Really I doubt I'd use a rock..... it'd by choice be a piece of my heart <3.. to the friend i miss so much...

This is probably going to be the longest thread of post ever stemming from this title.... but whateves, back to what I was going to say... I miss you....

Thinking

I miss you! Considering just doing something with you if I can rather then going out with a bunch of friends...hmm what do you think?

Remedy

My own thoughts when I read them later make me feel bad... So am I my only remedy to my obnoxious confidence?