All the answers

This is a chance to ask every question possible you can... I don't care if it "crosses the line" or is "mean" or whatever... Just a chance of a lifetime with all the answers...

Too quick to call things love these days. People annoy me, how guys go from one relationship to another and call each one "love" shut the fuck up! People like you disgust me, you'll really don't know nothin... Truthfully some of y'all dudes make every girl your world! Like I don't see why not I guess cause this galaxy is big... But damn shut the hell up about it..

Why the less frequent post..?

Why I'm not speaking as much anymore as well as on here is not because I want to be silent or anything like that. It's because when I express myself and my feelings about people and things I come off the wrong way with people. Speaking from my heart gets me in trouble...(but am I that troubled) People I very much care about have told me I'm like a wounded animal or some shizz like that (and in mind an apology was never given) so individuals meant it when they said it. Therefore silence is a response. Is the quiet better? I can't talk to some people and be even a friend if I can't honestly do and say what I feel. I try to be as open as possible with things and as a response I get a punch to the face (verbally) so what to do about that? I didn't get angry and rampage, though I want to. (thinking a response to the previously stated, is expected) calling me that burned me...burned me bad.. And it still burns, still hurts, still responds. But you wouldn't know that...

Connect

Yeah I miss the connections I used to have with people. Or did I ever have those connections with people?

I cried yeah..

What does it mean not to be good enough for somebody? What does it mean to have feelings for someone? Does she know it at all? I can't seem to break this feelin like she's what I've been missing. She, her, what's her name?Damn it I can't say it... I see what looks like she's doing better or good that makes me better. Damn don't you know what this smile on my face is for? It's the feelings I'm feeling for you... Damn its good but before it didn't seem so. Maybe what you take for granted... Maybe what I take for granted not knowin that I have it. Sometimes so close to me, I can't manage... Breathing it must be... Fine it's about time I say something, I don't know if it's love...don't know what I want but a hug will do for the time. I don't know what to call this feeling that I'm feeling and or if we can't have it.

It's just you, I don't know what to do. I dont care about your past I don't care about any of it....

What the hell is this about?

The emotions that I feel, I hate to seal. Everytime I look in your eyes, can you tell thats the only truth to the way I feel or how I'm doing. Like can you tell what I'm thinking or the way I feel. When you meet me I feel like you can but I never know... What are you hiding over there? Your lips haven't told, but every action you take is letting it show.. Taking it slow...


Yeah you lied... But well if I'm angry about it, does it show? Or it just a "seal away" all that for the gold? That (T) (L) (H) and more aren't moving. Since they aren't they must not be with you. I wrote a post awhile ago hoping I'd never have to post it... But well I guess that day was young, because I feel a need to now though I don't want to hurt you.... Well end to a tale... No more time wasted...

Dezzie - who Im chillin with

You know sometime I should just figure how things are gonna go. She overreacts about every damn thing. Lol wonder how you get the name "Big tits"...hahaha well not really so much a wonder to as it should be.... O.o you gotta be like that after this many years, your ridiculously... I haven't done anything but treat you right after if not all but most.. Whatever though...

More on "Dez" later..

Word up to stupidity at its greatest

I do things... Bad things... Because I know that are. I laugh and because of my morals they give me a burn like indigestion... What do I learn? When will I learn? What's left to learn? Is it my turn?

Straight bullshit

Everyday there's more shit to deal with isn't it?lol

Music

Truthfully niggas/fans get high off the shit... Like they get high on the shit that matters and doesn't when it matters...(lol when they get me for this)

First songs for you/her (younher)

I found my first songs written about a certain someone... Way back from the days... I won't mention... Lol should I throw a few down for the throwbacks...? Nah, only I fucks with this shit..lol hahaha y'all just don't know the shit I was on...

This, Us, You, Me, And all the rest..

Ya know I can't do this...well let's rephrase "this"... But like really, I can't keep chasing behind you... I do have my own life to live with my own problems for me to deal how I deal... I let go, I forgive, I forget...well I'll never forget because you were/are a big part of my life... You meant a lot to me...well everything.. Sadly i couldnt show it for a stray of reasons that I'm not mentioning because its not important any longer. But I cant be my everything's "choice" and that "everything" not really realize it or if they do ... not be real about it... Well to be completely honest I just can't deal with your situation..... And what your situation is is only for really you to one day realize and understand and only then can you move forward. Helping you is indisputably the hardest thing ever... Though I try to and will continue to to a point...

I dont care

Like I've been thinking to a point where my thoughts and my thought process would be well what's considered selfish or intricately difficult... Stumbled upon what you'd call a wardrobe in my mind... And I think I'd rather be lost here then stuck in time... But let's not be thinking about me because I'm doing just fiiiiiine..lol

Yooooo

To be honest it's a thing and it's secret but I'm trying not to make it a thang.lol

V - day

There's a lot that catches my eye today as well as a lot I cant take but my heart'll fake. Happy valentines day...

Bad thought

Bad thoughts roam when I'm in this zone... I'm losing it..

Feels good dont it?(Brittany)

So Brittany is like I honestly feel like she just hasn't been very kind to me. But I'm learning treat her the way she treats me. This love that your making "this love a thing" really pisses me off and bothers me and hurts me. But you know that's whatever. I wonder what goes on in your mind. What is it with you? But you probably think that with me to or not, either way it's cool. I'm done worrying about all the crap. It's not my problem, as I discontinue with clue clue. In this world everyone makes mistakes so I don't care what you do anymore. I'll make mine too, since that's the right thing to do. You know I feel like I talk to myself a lot... Well too much for that matter.. And the best thing to do is to leave anything about my relationship statues with anyone rather friends or whatever alone as well as how they feel or anything .... Which is why I'm saying fuck whatever I had with anyone in the past as well as leaving anything else alone. I live in a past with my junior high bullsnot after all, so let's just see how it is when I delete all that stuff from my mind. And leave only my current thought of people to judge.

Whats good on it?(Lexus)

Umm so yeah I do have some feelings for Lexus. Yeah even though it's like the dialogue with me and her is nothing. I don't know exactly what it is. But I do have something about her. Like I know I do feel something for her, it's like a feeling that I don't know how to describe it... Maybe it's just a breakup feeling.hahahaha but it's just me.

Dogs Pt. 1 (I Lose It, Clueless)

I act like the awkward dead dog..lol fuck I look like? I'm fucking pathetic. Stare at me and poke me with a stick. Literally pick up that fucking stick and poke with with it. Don't look at me when you do it though, I'm honestly scared you'd feel bad. I just bring this energy with me that makes everyone feel bad and makes everyone sympathize for me... And to top it off I'm just like really annoying telling people the way I feel and stuff like that. I should really be more like a rock, like really a rock is a good example.. But then again that's the way I used to be. Didn't give a rats ass about anyone. I was a terrible person and everyone hated me. I let other people fall for me even... I lied and ...well I did a lot of things wrong... But well doesn't that make me human or some crap like that somebody once said.hahaha... Well anyway this post might have been......... Well was fucking pointless and I wouldn't expect any thought more from anyone else reading this... To end it all, I might as well say this as well, FUCK ME! Like literally Fuck me!!

Battle

Hard question: Who to talk to?lol like really why does this seem hard or difficult? I just go to start a message and scroll through my contacts then click a number...lol wow well what a battle.

Down

Might take this blog down... Just my thought right now... This at first felt like a good idea, and has been a pretty good way for me to open up and be myself but in all honesty.... There's too much that is heard.(nough said) like I'm honestly sick of it... My post don't stick on this blog the way they should anymore.. Like some fall off and get found and picked up by others. I can't fuck with this anymore..

This shit... is all

Truthfully... Honestly... Really... I really dont want anything from y'all. I don't want nothin. All this bullshit going on, isnt for me. Fuck outta here. I'm done with this shit.

Today

I don't even know.

Yesterdayer

I just want you to know that... you really fill my world with hope and a reason to continue to care....

Suicidy

I am suicidal... Like really... I have thoughts and I have tried... So I may kill myself... Thats what you don't know... That's something I don't mention to anyone.. Well except one other person. And maybe some addiction to some things... But thats another day.. I started Hiphop music because honestly life was too much for me to keep to myself and not telling anyone... I do music to keep my mind off of things and I'm not suicidy... I don't... Haven't told you this because I don't want it to be viewed as like "oh I'm going to kill Myself because of you" or anything like that. I'm not trying to be a Charles... So I kept it to myself... (But isn't that what you want me to do?)

School

Well I have multiple understandings to different levels... I have found some interesting things... :) people have really changed in some ways as I look around at the people I used to be around.... In this school.

I deserve it

I deserve someone's anger and attitude apparently. Well I don't see why, what have I done. Well I apparently am this dying animal on the road. Do I beg for attention? What is this animal what does this animal do? Do you make you feel bad? Is that what your saying? If I do, how? Because I only tell you honestly what's going on with me... Am I wrong for that? Is that the way you describe the way you see me when you ask me what's wrong and I don't tell you? Well about when I don't tell you... It's because I don't really want to argue, but I guess it's better of I just be straight forward about what's bothering me right? .... Honestly describing me this way probably hurt me, more then most. But I won't mention that either and I sure won't show it. Its a stupid reason and a stupid thing to be angry about....

The Openess (A post that wont probably see the light of day) (I guess things change)

I continue to blog about you because I dont want anymore what ifs...... I blog because if anything happens to me I want there to be something left of me for people to understand and it makes my life easier venting with this....






I love you... And what that means from me is that you have my heart, like I'm literally giving you my heart and trusting that I'll be okay... Now I really am... After this post.. It also means that I care for you mind, body, and soul.. I say this in a post very short summarizing really but I hope you really understand what I mean, I use the word love very scarcely.. (this was longer the first time I wrote it)
I get mad when I think of you with other people, honestly because I just see me and you period anybody else I feel is unwelcome it's hard for me if I'm expected to welcome them which is why there's the thing between a friend and something more and caring and not caring.

Hmm I rush as I search for words... Maybe I should just speak from my heart? Or other parts of my body?lol (jokes)...

My heart tells me I can/should/would be around you all the time. I'd love to be around you all the time.. Yeah things might get annoying but a good annoying.. I really want to be close to you... Like badly... The reason why I like giving abnormally long hugs is because it makes me feel happy, it brightens my day, and makes my soul overall feel good like I feel like I glow after a long stretched out hug with someone I care about.

And well let's reach alittle lower... I am able to separate my feelings for people, like well I did alittle of this before but I think I'll tell alittle more. Because we should be able to tell each other ANY AND EVERYTHING RIGHT? I really think I want to kiss you passionately and hold you for multiple hours. Am I wrong? Nah I haven't touched an awkward basis for you yet.. So you know the song "To a flower" about you well you should definitely do what the song says. Like you should ask me to show you what I mean in the song.. :) .................... excuse me for my silence but I'm serious. And I just hate when I'm at school and I get really attracted to you because when I do if I follow through with what my thoughts are telling me it's a whole other side of me you haven't seen... But you need to see, because you need to know me... Better then they do, I want you to.. I want you to see me for who I really am and not just what I show people on the surface.. Cause it's not always truthful... (I'm not talking about sexually which is why I say truthful) I'm Pretty honest with that. Like there's times when I feel like you barely know me and I hate it, like I know you know certain things but I feel like there's a boundary and I don't like that. For awhile now the "any and everything" is what I questioned every time it's said or brought up.

When I think of you sometimes I feel like I'm just the luckiest person in the world ... Like your one of the most amazing women I know.. And you can debate that all you want... My Dazzled post... Who I meant is you, how you've been dazzling me is for me to know because if you know it wouldn't be natural of you and that would disgust me... Hey you remember when you got in trouble for Dan on the bus and the whole fingering thing... Well whether it happened or not... I wanted to be mad about that but I didn't because my reason wasn't necessarily right... The thing I always saw was like...(heavy deep breaths) I saw me and you being each others first. Never really saw myself admitting this but yeah I did... (Laugh all you want) Which is why I even got offended when other talked about it because it hurt me in a different way to believe that that happened and because that happened I wasn't sure what else may have happened.. But what happened is for you not me... And sure that "crazy" idea may be far fetched or whatever but I have good intentions at heart. I want/wanted it to be with someone I really care about and I couldn't and can't to this day think of anyone I care about more then you.. That's my mindset, there really isn't anyone else that fits my needs... I've had multiple chances to but because of that mindset I haven't. So whatever your view is on that ..... ?

I want to put time into something I know is worth my time... You are on my mind when I say that. I want to spend every second of my life with someone that'll make every second worth living as well as make it a hell of a ride.... I see you when I say that... I use the word love because I know no other words that could explain the way I feel about you... Yeah they say I'm young and I might not know what love is or whatever but..... At least I have some idea and I'll go off that idea because my idea of love is what makes me feel best... My love is what keeps me calm.... You are what makes me calm....

I would've probably asked you out, but I want to wait until this situation that's currently ... what feels like is on-going with you and Charles..haha Charles .. You know who I mean. I don't want to start something with you with other previous engagements, also why I didn't yet because I want to be completely over my recent situation before I do anything (attempt to) with you... (On recent update..) I think I'm ready..

"I'm close to the edge
There's no room for mistakes
When I asked you
You told me you wouldn't
watch me drown
So who says I can't make it
It'll be easier for you
If I'm not being the clown
I don't expect perfect
I hope you don't either
Perfect for each other
My heart beats forever
As long as your my miester
I know the love is there
Just teach me
Help me
Help me my flower
Let your roots reach me
I see you
I hope I be with you
Can you "
- Mr. Loverboy aka me.lol
.... and if that's me I'm forever stopping to smell the roses of my garden.. :)

Your Mine and Im free...

Mine (Freestyle) by jene-hemi



Mine (Freestyle)







Mine mine mine mine...your all mine... (This isn't the last song I've written about/for you...)

these are different, I don't know if you'll really notice it the way I do though...

looks around shyly, unsure of self but does it anyway.... :* daps..



*I close my eyes and see us...... the picture is clear and soothing ..... should I go On?

So "Will You Be Mine" B.E.F. ?

Well "quit with the buullshit" according to

"I'll be fine...I'll be fine.....ill be fine...." Nobody needs you.... Well not exactly.... All honesty there's things you don't know... Things that I don't tell you because I don't want to imply something bad or anything like that... But I'll get to that later in the week..

Family shit

Tired.... Got shit from everybody yesterday... No kindness will be given to those people anymore... I'm going to straight be a dick to this people that didn't give a shit what I was doing yesterday and had me up till 2 am.. So I'm on 4 hours of sleep and I have to give 2 speeches... Great!

TRUST(Brittany)

My anger was not toward Charles.... It was toward trust..... post removed(trust)...... anger(trust).......... Ignoring?(trust)............ see the thing is I got and get reallly offended when you dont tell me something.... like Im honest with you and continue to get more honest yet theres still things you (purposefully) dont tell me... and it went on further that I heard it from someone else instead which is just ass. If you didnt tell me something because you forgot to thats understandable every once in awhile....But like Ethan asked you diid you tell me you said no.... tell me why is its that this number of people(      ) know yet you havent even said anything to me about it...


Further more its about time to touch base on something "L" the feelings  I have for her what exactly do you think they are? I stopped... Like literally I just stopped. I text her every now and again but Im not pursuing anykind of relationship more then maybe friends and we arent even there ... were like aquintances.... so what do you have to complain about when it comes to that.... Charles I trust you when you say you dont have feelings for him... you seem to think thats whats bothering me... B... it honestly only bothers me if you go back on anything you tell me, or simply being around him. I cant be with you and him love/hate that doesnt work for me... I dont understand how you feel... i dont even feel I understand you anymore... Or did I ever? Like the idea of walking with him and you in the middle....... thats what got me.... that made me feel like a fucking idiot.... if you want to be with him please do if you want to walk with him please do. just tell me.... its not like I care after all.. right...?(stutters) 

Junior high drama... what part of this is junior high drama... this is honestly what you make it? and honestly because i dont want to be in Junior high drama is why I wont walk with both of you... how do you even honestly expect me to? you know I hate HIM! whats your issue... im leaving you... i walk too fast.. I walk to slow im leaving you....I dont get it.... but I know a way to fix that... I honestly hate saying sorry to you.... i feel like its over used but i dont know what to say ... like really Im a fucking wounded dog or some shit like that....  thats the literal reason why i dont tell people whats wrong or anything like that. because i get called names like that.... FUCK OUTTA HERE with that shit... I cant tell people my problems, I cant talk to anyone.... I cant really be a real human being with anyone because its basicallly.... tooo much for them...

(So wounded Dog out)


Forgot to mention really though basically I got the heat from all the other crap going on with you because of other people....

straight arguments

Straight up though I was left... Lik literally left thinking right.... (Ball so hard) lol fuck if im a dying puppy or some shit can i at least have razor sharp teeth or something.... Maybe Im wrong but i didnt understand that argument once again and the thing is ...wasnt it about me?.... or isnt it always according to (looks over shoulder) well anyways I dont understand how I did that considering its like I portrayed very anger though I was laughing through the torture.... interesting..... Ima just do what makes me feel good and not worry like ive been doing for the past weeks....

Im not even mad about that, and the matter of why i was mad still is a mystery...

Nothing I Could Say

Know what my silence was and used to be about.. why I cant deal with the same things... there has to be a death to my past mistakes and i have to learn from them.....  I don't want the same type of communication I had with this relationship in any(So I argue).... yet theres things about her that cant be compared or equaled... I cant trust people if they don't trust me... if they keep things from me by their own (will) which I find out by myself anyway but wait to see if they will tell me.....
(so glad I made this song)

Lexus

I go on I haven't slept a night without cold sweats since we haven't been (together) but you'll never know this and neither do I expect you to care if you did... It's just me... Aren't I just suppose to get over it like any other relationship... (though I know I can't and won't, I won't admit it and you'll never know or believe it if I told you) .........(and how can I not get over it I have a long life ahead to live, so what will I do?)
....(this has crossed my mind at times but what the s is I won't say)

Tonights gonna be special

Tonight at midnight things will change. Tomorrow is declared a day. Fun!

Thoughts(food for thought)

If there was a way to contact people...like mentally and know what they were honestly thinking...umm yeah that would be pretty awesome.... But maybe thoughts represent bad remnants of broken promises.. And therefore they wouldn't represent anything well...

Dreams

Well that's that it's about time to open my big mouth... Well the woman of my dreams can't be matched or compared, so what am I looking for. And the way I see it is... Well the way I see it.. Because its normal for me to have a very sexual and aggressive dream about a female what's not normal is for me to have one where I'm just honestly and full heartedly chilling with a female and I have an equal joy as I would the sexuality... Like does her company actually get me off or am I losing it? (hold up) ill stop there before I do it again..."it" meaning really only what I could tell or explain... But I won't... (rubs bow)

There's a lot of women out there and I mean a lot but never in my day have I ever had a dream to this extent that I'm just hanging out with a female and my joy is what felt like more then... Or could be equal to sex with a female....

....(this has crossed my mind at times but what the "it" is I won't say)

Light of day

The light of day grows dim.... So you won't see the light of....Day... Things never really seem important... What really matters... Things to point out but I'll be brief tonight... Time, love, life and more .... 10 post maybe more... Wrote the hell out of things when I got home... And you'd think it would be a paper... But it was just post after post to remember.. Like literally I could write multiple papers with all I have to and could say... But speaking from where I'm coming from, wont be best... A couple pages 5-10 is interesting views but with all I have to say I'd need at least double that... (laughs at wondering whats funny)

I make up reasons to smile honestly... Like literally I make them up.... I'm
Good....

Its times like this that I would go back to writing my country music.lol ohhhhhhh no one knows that... Yes I write/wrote country music...it's where I started... Why though? Why country? Lol that's for me to know..and I was damn good with country too...just wasn't enough of a calling..

Words

Just words on a page? Just words on a page? What I put here means more then simple words on a page... It's what your reading but it's the life I'm
Living... How I live... What I live through...

Yes theres something wrong

What ever happened to what you told me about being done with Charlie and all that..... I guess it was just a bunch of jazz you told me to pass the time.... what are your words really worth? Everything you tell me seems like it falls through.... what of what you tell me can I really trust.....

I'm not going to walk with the guy you told me this and that about and basically lied to me.... kissing him and stuff... you may think I don't see it and stuff but I do... and it hurts me.. but do you reallly care? I have a hard time knowing anymore....

A speech of better days in darker years...

No I don't like Charlie and further more I feel like I'm in the same relationship I was before but its like all the things I didn't like about lex and all the things I don't like about you and the crap with charlie all together... I feel stupid... I feel like you don't get me and everything I tell you in honesty trying to trust you was pointless and a bad choice on my part... I open up to you and this is what I get basically... what ever happened to when you said you wouldn't leave me alone if I opened up? That's what I'm getting from you ALONE..... what I meant when I asked you... everything I put behind those words in that question.... EVERYTHING.... This is just too much... I'm getting everything that didn't make me want to trust you or anything from you... allll the bad I trusted wouldn't happen because of what you said.... I guess that's just what I get ?................

(walks away from podium..)

Tonights events begin to unfold

I just love you and you don't get it. I would like to put a song to this... Though my intention behind this song was more then simply a title "mine" intention was to actually be MINE..lol but I think it may be necessary to put it out there for you. My plans were to only release this under two circumstances...we were dating OR Valentines day... But let's just see how things go after.....(and now thinking about it, its not like this is the last)

Did I forget

Enough of the bullshit.. Let's stop it real quick..

(walks on)

Chase

They keep saying, keep sayin, Keeo dreamin baby...

Advice for Charles.... A chase doesnt last forever...

Host

Host of post and yet there's so much more to know, so many more places I could/would/ and will get to as I make it there... This blog is mine about me and nothing about anyone else will be said..

Negatives

Im talking to everybody now, leave me the fuck alone because the shit y'all have done to me recently... I should be the only one mad or any negative feeling toward it...

Hurt

People hurt me with they're actions but do I give a shit...nahhhhh

Shows

I over think too much, Ima just live my life and stop caring about everyone else's actions... no more of myself in they're shoes... Acting with they're show...

(Walks out and slams door)

Me

Hey don't you know, that I know how to make it? Like I write songs, I draw, I paint, I write poems, I blog, I cook and clean, I'm me... I did everything. Drinking and smoking weed do you like me? Nah that's just what I could do... I'm me I put my time in making this me, I'm the farthest from the if anyone's idea of a follower. I'm alone, people lie to me, people despise me, people don't get me, they make theyre jokes but Damn I'ma be fine... I smile because everything for me results in time spent...

(walks out door, leaving it wide open)

Walking out (But they walked out on me)

I learned what I need to do to be happy, and these people aren't for me...


(walks out door, leaving it wide open)

Good ride L

What more can I say? I liked L very much... I told her I loved her.. And yeah I did/do... Always will but the fact is one thing I will be sure of when I'm dating after her is that whoever I date is heterosexual... Not Bi or anything like that, I feel it's too much stress.. To feel someone could be doing anything with either sex... It's like your trying to seclude someone from the world which isn't possible. A women who has attractions to women like a dude and attractions to men like a girl is too complicated... I wish it wasn't like that for her but ya know sometimes people get confused and stuff...(walks out on that note but comes back one more time)


I wish her the very best like I do everyone else and I wish to me that I succeed in every goal.. I'm happy and no one is going to tell me differently... By point out obvious factors... (leaves again and slams door after one last glance at the past)

Love and madness

"Love is merely madness" - William Shakespeare