Postponed

There's was to be correctly counted in my drafts, 5-6 post that were suppose to be cleared tonight and posted with a slew of things in them.... But I no longer feel they are appropriate... So instead this is all to be said...



(Rubs bow and stumbles off hurt...)

Lie world lie

Thinking about the world... How can someone just lie.... Like do you just not think about who your lying to when you do it...? What is it?

Others

There's a post about Lex too coming along... But I'm not sure about the "tale"...

Koff Tale

I actually "dated" this girl for a bet... Which I couldnt do... There's one thing I still feel bad about though and that's that I remember this time during that and she was all like "what should I ware?" and I actually told her to basically cover her whole body and I didn't want to see her face(in subtext)...

That gamble really taught me that I could really be a bad person...

(and dated? Nah don't count unless it's more then a week)

The Cas tale

Hmm.... Cassidy... The honest reason why I went out with her is because I get soft hearted for people. Like there were things that went on before that that resulted in my soft heartedness. I have a soft heart, like if I see a women crying I just feel like I gotta help. The kinda person I am inside is I feel a need to help everyone... Though on the outside I seem like I'm some mean guy or an asshole...(of the many I've been called) but anyways there was multiple times before we started dating that I was there for her while she was crying about whatever. And the thing is I just love feeling like the superhero and being the superhero which is what I enjoyed about that relationship and why it continued on.... But there are some other things that went on or supposedly went on I'm sure you've heard about or have been said. But the matter of that relationship is that what happens on the bus... What actually was happening its about time I tell.... Yea we cuddled on the bus, and there was a kiss... That is all though... She acted a certain way(not to blame anyone but that's the way it was) she chose to get extra "slutty" at times. I never told her to do the stuff, taking clothes off and stuff. She did it, am I wrong for going along? Probably in some people's minds but I'm a guy, I love that kinda stuff.lol

I felt a need to clear this up because during this time there was a lot of things being said were going on but weren't...

Why you dont know

The reason why there's things you don't know, is because as friends ... There's like a certain way I go about things with you like without you knowing of any lustful eye that I have on you. So it's stuff that you don't know of (yet!) ... Because I haven't told you (yet!)

The word I use (is it just a word to you?)

Well this love thing.... It's like I feel like I'm stretching out a word right now... So it may be necessary to remove it from my vocabulary for a uncertain amount of time... Does this mean that I show you? Hmm who knows... Honestly feel like I'm falling with you right now but what that means (I'll keep to myself) well lets be positive right.lol while I'm talking here I listen to music in the background and I get to thinking? What are you... Are you even here with me today? While see its early off to tell..

(I feel like though I may mean something and i know what i mean it may become just a meaningless word I use with you in my vocabulary if I use it the way I want and mean to). So for the sake of (maybe) I'll see what I can do because what I mean I'm not sure you really know...

Old Js...

How would poems from the old days fit me here, would it mean I'm going back to my old ways? No maybe just in a daze..

Caveman me

Me not tired, me kinda miss someone, me thinking of you, caveman tempted tonight to post multiple over interesting post...

Me caveman undecided..

Hello

So are you ready?

Broman

Hi broman nice to meet you, nice to see you... But I delete you talkin like ya know me..

Wife

Went to bed
searching for everything
I need in my life
Woke up angry
As I looked next to me
where's my wife?

Wtf man

I feel sick... I feel everything.... I am not well at all..... Congrats it finally gets to me!!!!!!!

Lex catch

You looked sexy today....well you always do to me... I'd say I miss you? But what really is the point in that? I'd say you are my everything? But why tell you what control you have over me? I lust you more everyday..

My trust in you still stands, but I hate the way things are between us... You might not have feelings for me and that's fine n dandy but just let me get this out of my system if I can.. Ima be honest completely.... I want you, your body, your soul, you as a whole... I don't care about issues... It's not too much for me... I still feel you..

I just want to love you because I love you... I can't wish it to be... It's already me.. I want you in my arms, I want you out of harm... I want a date, I want this, I want that... I miss the feeling you gave me, I miss the feeling, our togetherness for me is a craving rattling at me day n night... I try my best not to lose it when I see you like a moment alone... I need you... I no longer ask can I help you, I simply feel that I can...

Odd ball

Ahh I feel odd... But is it better then I've felt lately? Hurt, smart, stupid, regretful, neglectful, ignorant (when I wanna be), an asshole, wanting what feels like is in my grasp but may not be there, sad, disappointed, like me in my day is the robot, tired, happy, mood swing with a beat... The list goes on.... Feeling this what am I? Seeing this how am I? How do you all watch? Or is this just some of the battle inside me?

Get it?

Catch me 5-9
Catch me 12 - 5
Catch me 8- 12
Catch me 1-3

Family views....

I wanna find essence in something... Yet I see none. I feel like I'm not sure what I'm Writing music for like I'm being pushed to right now by my father... He spends time thinking about what he invested... You invested in your son... Nough said.. your view on the way I should do things won't get me to where I'm trying to go... You are very over pricey as far as things go... You feel a need to other charge people therefore making me no money.... You feel I should charge people to listen to me yet I'm not known enough... This strategy won't work... Street albums are free you want me to charge... Fuck I look like Jay Z? Diddy? I think it's best if I walk my own path with most of this... Your guide won't guide me correct you simply see music from a ore business standpoint and always make a profit... This isn't the field to see it that way yet... Your eyes on me only force me to produce halfassed work that has no real heart... You compare me to these other artist when I know I can be better, you just need to let me get there and stop rushing me... Let me grow as an artist and get the fuck out of my face.....


...on that note my family and I do not agree on where I'm going and how I'm going to get there...

My Depression?

Why does it seem that I go into a very depressed state after school or typically in the late evenings on weekends? Like I just feel generally bad and regretful... But what do I have to regret? What do I have to feel bad about? Maybe my "depression" is just my body telling me I need sleep because after I sleep I feel fine and those thoughts are gone with only a slight memory of them... I need to be happy again, I need to feel it.... And not just my burst of joy I get when a certain someone's actions surprises me or when I'm alone with this person, and i want to do ... Well what isn't spoken of or something generally with this person...but an everlasting joy that I can live with... Either Way this is a problem thats real for me and I do have some looking into to do...

Dazzling night

I'm tired and I've been really surprised with someone lately... They really are dazzling me... Hope it last:)

Weekend summary

Haven't posted something to the public all weekend, I just realized... Well I'm tired.... I've done alittle music this weekend.... That's working toward an underground project... Lowkey... Things have been quiet this weekend... Hopefully that's a good thing... I really fucked up yesterday doing something I shouldn't have been but ya know... I'll work it out... I love you B and hope you still read but I never know... I love my friends and those motivators by my side I'm sorry I forgot about you but you'll have really helped me this weekend so thank you....

Silly me but like my tophat?

Silly me... I'm all smiles of you when I ponder.. I mixed together I solid plan today for the future... I just hope it goes into place right..

"There's something beautiful about the way she moves.... Like her hair blows in the air... Glowing without a sunbeam I'm trying not to stare... :D"

Fly Away

Wont you just fly away with me... just you and me... no one else...... This is what I want right now, is it too much to ask? you tell me... I want to see "Us" so I no longer have too dream about it..... I don't put it on a pedestal because its a relationship, I just am over interested in where it goes ...

The reeeee

The thing is only when I'm around you can I forget her... Just doesn't seem so important....

Then I have these other women... It's like I just got my basis back with some of them and they flirt and want to do more... But I actually don't want to. I don't feel like I want anything to do with these women... They disinterest me, I feel sick when I talk to them... Wtf?

Instead of intended

Someone's in a boggle of a situation...(shruggs "boggle" ?) well it seems that what I hear is it's love... He loves you..... Hmmm I just don't get it... And since this is my blog I may as well go-in and speak from The heart and all.... How do you love someone you put your hands on? I view him as such a bad person.... Scrum of the earth at best... I just don't believe he does, I feel his lying, I feel he waste your time.... But I'll stop there on that... He's to me a bitch ass nigga... And I use it how I use it...

I don't know what really to say like... I think you should deal with it... Because this is your growing situation... And it gets worse as the days go on that you dont do anything about it...as it seems... These situations I never understand... Maybe it's easier for me to deal with a situation when it arises then you... My thoughts on it I don't feel are right for me to tell you... A part of me really wants to say this but then another tells me to say something else out of the goodness of my heart... I'm fencing really ...

Behind me

I'd put all previous engagements behind me for only one.... If the one is you... Don't be blinded by the nonsense, I mean it and I say it without a fear..

Realize

If I ever felt like I had all the answers.... If I ever felt like the truth wasn't so stretched when the words get to me... If I could tell you what's been on my mind lately and you'd understand.... I would have no post to hide.... If it was as simple as me and you the way I want it to be... The joy we'd dance... My honesty, trust, heart, and mind there's only one I could give it all... If you could realize the way I see it, the way it could be.... But then there's no promise with what I say the only promise I can give you is that you'll have my heart and no one else... You already do, you just really don't know it... Tread lightly... On the hopeless heart of a poet... A song to the words I feel on the page about you before I see them visible, you are special my words arent for everyone though you hear them here digital...

Look at you

Who Am I here? Cause I think Ive been every guy in the past..... except one at moments ..... okay I know love is hard... but if thats the game, I know I can beat it with you..... you know who you are, and if you dont thats a shame.... I'll put it behind me..

~ the open heart

Love comtemplating

listen a little, and feel me... I did this a couple weeks ago when I was debating posting "Mine" which I currently have in my blog roll of things to post in the future.... I feel like it depends on where things go if it sees the light of day... but idk and considering its already out in the open.. you just cant see it yet... is it even my decision anymore....?

The missing other half of a post

I feel like just plain kissing you and hugging you and holding you and more... But because of how strongly I feel I want to do this I'm not sure if it's how I feel or if it's over infatuation... But how can it be infatuation? I've felt this way for awhile... It's not new in the moment, it's just renewed... I started to feel this way about you when you said you were ugly... It really.... Brought somethings back... Including some old feelings... Because I was already thinking about the day I made that picture for you, and the feelings that I feel for you right now make me feel funny inside... But like I like it and it makes me want to smile... I feel bothered... I haven't felt This much in awhile... The feeling of being scared, excited...

I'm confused inside.... But to be a bit more truthful B. E. F. I want you.... Now... If you want to give "Us"a go...

How inspiration works

"To A Flower....


Let's dance in the rain
Run on my love
It's an ocean of love
Long as you love me
The sand don't sink
I pull you closer
As our lips meet
We seein clovers
How lucky we are
Just to have each otha
What more could I ask for
Someone with a smile
That brightens my day
A girl with a personality
Damn she wild
What could I change
What would I change
She's just my style
Catchin my speed
From the way you do ya hair
To ya laugh
Damn girl you mean
Catchin my eye
Like a firefly
Igniting my heart
Like don't ya
know ya got me
You had me
From the start
Ya hit the right buttons
Startin me up
If your the driva
I'll ride with you
You be the driver
I'll take the car
You can ride me
Hate to thrust upon you
But when I thrust
I'm on you
Body against
You want control
Pull the throttle
Take it slow
I aint rushin things
Less you want to
We don't have to
Plans with you
For the future
What I plan to
I got the kinda lovin
You ain't used to
I'm changin Ya luck
Them Otha guys
Don't see you like I do
Let em lose
Let em lose sight
Of the most beautiful flower
In the garden
As I find you
See you there
Meet me moonlight
Dinners on me
After all I'm the winner
Prizin you
Not the item
But if the ring ill
bring me closer to your heart
Then I have to
Hold up
I'm movin to fast again
Let's me see where it takes us
Hopeless romantic
Damn my habit
Begins n ends with you
It's my life
And your my world
Livin everyday with you
Like my last
Stop the clock
I don't wanna forget
This moment
Lets pause it in time
This our world
So let's make it up
We make it up
Just me n you
Let's take it up
I gotta be as High as it gets
But damn girl I love you
Let's not forget
That's the one thing
They can't change
Or ever take away
This is us
We do it
The way we want to
So let's live it up..."



I woke up at 2 in the morning and write this song...

Thanks for the inspiration beautiful :)


This was suppose to come after the other half of the blogpost but I've been feeling really excited to post some music here lately... Considering who it's about I'm really proud of it...

A bit of confusion but honesty

Sometimes when I say things I mean them more then when I'd usually say them... Like " I love you" it doesn't mean the same all the time more or less... Sometimes I say it to give somebody my trust and let them know they have my trust and I care about them(a lot) (never do people get it when I say a lot)...

..... Half or maybe more then half of this post is missing because I don't feel right about it yet.... Well I do, but it isn't just me it relates to... I feel crazy to say the least...

Repeat

I hate to feel like I'm repeating my self... As well as doing things too soon so I'll sit on my hands with the decision of doing this for awhile...

Complicated views

Wanting somebody back doesn't exactly feel the way it should in this situation.... I feel almost like I might.... I would date her again, I kinda want to.... My reasons are funny though... Like if I could, would I? Typically, I think I'd want somebody back for something particular that I miss in the relationship... Like a kiss or something like that maybe... But it's like I'm not sure if that's what I miss, or what I miss. I feel like I just miss (her) but what that necessarily means I don't know... I miss hugging her and stuff like that when I see her, I think... And being able to tell her almost anything as far as the way I feel and feel understood and not argue about it and like she actually cared what I told her... Also like I miss being around her, like not talking when we were together didn't bother me all that much...just some days... Like I was comfortable in the silence at times, And every time I felt like she didn't care she just did something to remind me without knowing what I was thinking at those moments... I could be comfortable... And I felt like there was somebody out there that I was lucky enough to be with that understood me.. Like things had changed for the better for me.

But there are the things I didn't like also.... Why is it that when we date it never is for more then 2 months? Like everytime we breakup after about a month and 2 weeks....

So do I want her back? Would that be good for me? I feel like inside me tells me yes but like an outside me tells me no.... Do I have them weighing on my shoulders? But this isn't a cartoon...

Like I'm not even sure if I need her... Right now... But give me 2 days, I'll have my shit figured out..

Future

I have been thinking and this smile on my face idk what it's for either... But I came to a conclusion that lead me to be relaxed and not to worry about the past.. I gotta bright future after all..

Well this just generally made me feel better after writing....

What do I do
Can it be hard
Man she fitted every picture
Like we danced in my dreams
N kissed the night away
Then I felt okay wit it
Like not even in
My dreams did I get it
But damn I felt like
That was a piece of the puzzle
Below a promise of bliss
Why do I got now
Just old photos
Old dreams
Wasted plans
I'm to move on
But even if I do
I sit up at night
Thinkin bout her
Wantin to talk or text
Like if I could tell
A women every thought
That I feel
Every moment
I conceal
Would it be enough
No because hearing
Her thoughts made mine
Seein her smile made time
I looked into her eyes
N felt fine
Damn I'm losin control
And that night ...
It was hard for me to do it
Like I cried the night away
Then got up
The next day
Smiled like I was fine
But my heart rushed inside
Crushed inside
I had to do something
Dropped an Ep
About her
Check it out online
Was it enough
No I still
Get no incline
Runnin miles
Searching for a hope or dream
I feel like a clown
Entertainin kids before I drink
A thousand child's tears
For all that I don't get
Once again
Nobodies perfect
So decisions
I don't get
I cant put time
Into everything
But its not my time
That I found important here
It's her that I found important
I'm not the kinda person
To leave someone
At a moment of helplessness
Not that your helpless
I just know
I couldn't help this
But even if I couldn't
I'd find someone who could
The words go a shorter
Distance then i could
..................................
That line goes to show
my mind isn't fine
So I'm talkin from the heart
Because any thought
Would never reach this
In time
But a heart was never
Meant to run alone
So I got yours in case
I lost mine
I asked for yours
You gave it to me
You got mine
So does it mean
you know How I feel
Tell me wit
my words in the air
Tell me we're still here
Tell me you love me
Tell me we're not lost
Cause the cost
Ain't there for me
My heart tokens
I spent mine....


Then again I'm alone
As I write this
Like I see someone
Layin next to me
But it can't be
I'm as alone as a hyphen
And I type it clear
Tryna do the math
Wishin We could take this equal
But we need to be together
To find a plus in this world
The x represents
The number of days
We're not together
No one really knows yet
Help me solve the equation
When it's love
I'm tryna get to
Sure there's still some things
That make me not get you
But I see this girl next to me
It seems together
The problem we get through
Girl meaning you
Come help me
Damn it I'll help you
They say we do what we can
I'm tryna do what I want
But I need you
I miss the point
Without you
I can't see my future
As good if I aint got you
Your needed in this
emergency room
They tryna take me apart
Startin with my heart
I won't let em get it without you
Needed a transplant
I got yours
We got mine
Then traded-in
Like cars do
Sure I hope you get this
But to admit it
The Understanding is short
Gave god the tall order
Bringing us together
So Mr. Out there
Can you hear me
That's all I want
You n forever..

Convert

No I'm not going to complain about what people don't do or anything like that... Ima just...well convert it... I have my life in a moment so I'll live it that way too.... The repeats are there, the future is clear, and I have to move it...

All smiles :)

Congrats to me.... In the matter of two days I released a EP and single as well as will be putting a relationship behind me.... Like literally I'll be putting it behind me this weekend with my activities....(nough said) so what if I make a few bad decisions it's given to me....

Hurts

Nothing aggravates me more and just stirs my soul then seeing somebody needs help and not being able to help them.. Exspecially(spellcheck) people I care about, it hurts me so much not being able to do anything for them..

Chill

Sitting here doing..... Well what I do and I see my phone.... Nothing from anybody, not a call...not a text...nothing.... Well I guess my social life must be like OVVEERR!!(over dramatic teen girl voice) well I mean that's cool I get it from people like that, damn I must be that fucking awesome nobody wants to talk to me or chill with me...(chuckles) My life couldn't be more chill...

Soon as I walk in the door

Came home and literally turned on my music and cried myself to sleep.....The tears never have felt that good. Music is my savior... Not just today either looking back.... My love songs are niice... Rather anybody likes them or not!

Life her

Worried about her, not going to show it, and I'm trying not to worry... Tomorrow I think ima try something with her, idk. Everytime I plan to do something something goes wrong or something. I got the idea cause of something she did today, so I figure it's worth a try. Wrote near another song I might post later(lyrics). But idk.. I hate the feeling like she's not happy.

I want to focus on my music, but it kinda seems like another part of my life needs my attention right now so I'll flock there..

Short poem

Just something I wrote yesterday trying to get inspired among other things...

I'm tired of bein sad
Tired of missing all the things
I one day used to smile because I had
Sick of dreaming of you
And all the good times
We've had
But when time passes
Sometimes so does love
Left in the wind
As Far Out of my grasp
As the moment
you hit send
With that well thought out
3 page text message
Saying you want me back...

My music

So the thing is I'd let the people I write music (to) listen to the music if I wasn't worried about ridicule and the value of the songs meaning less to me after they hit some virgin ears... I want the ridicule as worse as it comes and I want honest opinion from the person it was written about... But at the same time I don't feel they will understand what it means to me, what it's meant to me, nor the process and overall what I went through personally before I wrote the song, during when I wrote the song, and how I felt when I wrote the song... Like some of this stuff had me in tears to write... And virgin ears I don't think would get that also I don't would really hear the message I'm trying to put through and get across...

Love?

Alright so maybe I should stop saying love.... I feel as maybe I make certain persons feel bad or just not good when I say that... But when I say that I mean it, like literally I'd marry someone that I say that to. Love doesn't just mean marriage though either I'd spend the rest of my life with that person... If it was me and that person left on the earth, I would survive... I feel like nobody understands it, or really feels/ sees it the way I do... Can I be the only human being with belief in love...?

You

The only person I ever loved and didn't doubt it was you... The doubt has never been there from the moment I told you... And you know I love your voice like it just tends to make me smile.... I really struggle sometimes..

About you, her...then me...

My honest feelings for you right now is I do have very strong feelings for you but however I am not sure if some things you say I can trust or to really believe... I want to but its never been that simple for me. Umm it was kinda awkward for me on Friday because I think I gave you more attention then Her. (daps)


Though it's like I really literally haven't seen her in like 2 weeks and she basically acted like it was a weekend which bothers me but whatever...

Maybe I'll just have to do something to invoke a response from her... One of the things about the day I didn't like but that's cool ya know... It seems like its back to the same game that was going on before break. Great!!!(the highest level or sarcasm and inner anger)

Back to Doctor M

Is my condition worsening or am I just noticing it a lot more? Dr. Mario what should I do? What can a do? My fatal heart conditions continues to worsen and get better...feeling like it could be better elsewhere? But I'm not there yet am I? If "there" is where my heart is, it's not ready to leave... Or My heart may have already left if it was ever there because its like how can you be in two places at the same time...? When the first place you never left? My complications.... (when I ponder)
Because its one thing here and whats been there is beyond it...

Where's the pill for this?

Questions, Questions

Wouldn't you like to know what makes me tick? Wouldn't you like to know what makes me happy? What makes me write? Why I do things? If I'm misunderstand I'll explain.... You just have to ask me to... If you care....

Priority

Music is my priority, I mean I love music after all or above all... Trying not to write these particular kinds of songs anymore... But the songs that I wrote, I'm not sure if I can handle anymore...

Want it (dont I)

Almost passed out yesterday....great ain't it? (sarcasm) well Im not trying to show I want something bad enough, but I want it bad ...enough(get it) it's like #2 on my list of ..... Things...

Future songs

"Can't see the love here... Let me see you care..."

A hook to one of my future songs... But how's that so because I told myself I'd quit love songs..

So maybe you were right about it Bee

So maybe your right... My changing or me wanting to might be do to a certain someone... Like I really picked that up today... It may be whats going on with me and her that's causing me this trouble... Like I gotta feel like shes doing something sneaky or there's something wrong all the time... Yet I trust her? Or do I? Maybe not fully... It's like today I just felt like.... A napkin.... In a way around her... Just I don't know....

To bee and onto other things..

What do you mean "enough"? I can understand everything else (kinda) nothing I don't really expect. I know all that with my girl and Dan I get that, I'm talking all that set aside.


On another note in the source and it's just oh so great!(sarcasm) I love the feeling around some of these people, but I hate the feeling of the "educators" As well as I feel as though I'm calling attention to myself from the eyes of others I'm not interested... (-_-) evil eyes get my feel..? Jealousy...is passion(at times) but envy is what is intolerable wanting what others have is "the look of disgust" given from people... Why I never give it to people...

Well Bee

Tomorrows suppose to be the date but I haven't been feeling it much lately like I used to...(probably due to all my recent honesty with you) should I? Well your probably going to tell me to do what I have to so I ask myself while asking you why am I asking... Is your opinion going to change anything? Probably, which is why I consult you on what I should do.. Your opinions matter and I do take into consideration more so now then ever...well except 8th year that was a mean year "mean" meaning good.. But that's only when I look back on it... Should you see me in the morning? How bout spending the love with a hug?(chuckles) this break didn't go as I had planned it and everything that would've had me doing things differently I don't feel matters anymore... (rocks of my chest) but is that leaving me open to have them thrown at me? While see...

There's a post I'm sitting on.....while on few post but one of which includes "The Letter L" and another includes "Mine" idk about posting these because they are just .... To me and it's like why ruin that... "Mine" surprises me more then anything because I felt damn good writing that compared to anything on "The Letter L" and it's like I'm considering removing a song off "the Letter L" because it wasn't completely for her so maybe I'm wrong for putting it there... The Outro to the Letter L wasn't as expected, that really had me tearing up and like it ends that ending... (looks for better words) I planned a Letter L 2 but it was never finished and it seems as though that inspiration maybe gone or no longer inspiring to me.... Well I'm off to reconsider ...(daps)

I wont give up on you Bee

Watch this video and listen to the song, I feel it speaks something like my heart does... "I won't give up on you" Then again it's like I never do because of the fact that when we're growing further apart I still think about you. I just don't make as big a deal about it, and make myself think I don't do it that much when the fact is your on my mind at least 22 hours a day. The only thing is I don't think I know you that well, because I feel like I just love everything about you. Like your just this human being that's amazing flaws and all. Like your perfect for me... But how is that possible? Nobody else has been, nobody else makes me feel like that? Why do you make me feel like that? The arguments don't effect me really... I only get mad at the idea of you with someone else ... Like I can see us together and happy and I think I can make you happy. But do you think I can? Can I? Theres some doubts in my mind that didn't use to be. More of 8th grade us? Idk because it's like I dont want more of the past with the way I've felt about certain things and you, then only to go through everything over again. What does 8th grade us mean? What is 8th grade "us"? What kinda future do we hold? That's what I want to know, I know it really can't be answered but it's like your the only person I know that I don't know where we're going really or what's next... it's like I don't want to waste my time doing certain things. But your not a waste of my time, so please dont take it that way your one of the best ways I could think of spending my time ..well with you...?it's just what I want to know is pursuing a relationship with you to see where it takes us a waste of my time or is expressing my love for you a waste of time? Because if friends is what were going to be I want to plan accordingly.. (not to be an asshole if that makes me one or seem like one). I don't want to be some guy that it's nice to know is out there or a friend that "must hold his peace"....(for better words) I'm not worried about "how it ends up" because if I care about you and you care about me then that's not a worry. I'm not going to hurt you... It's not something I'll do. I couldn't forgive myself for it after years of wanting something so bad just to fuck up like that. I'm not begging for a chance or any crap like that, I'm done with that. That's not me, and i don't know how I went there before.. That's demeaning to myself.

All this stuff is what my frustration has been with you. What do you want "us" to be? I can't do anything unless I know. I know what I want...do you? When I asked you this before you told me you don't know.... Please tell me you know now, so I can understand. So that I don't feel like a "blind mice" with you. If a friend is what you want that's what I'll give you I just need to know? It's like sometimes you seem like you care more then a friend should but you don't want to admit it or something. I notice it, but when I ask you why your again with a "I don't know".... Just Give me understanding of what you want. I'm not going to be hurt either way I need to.. know...

I need you to get where Ive been for 3-4 years on Bee

You had somebody to lean on and alot more. you had it alll... you

You need to get it, I've been here for 3-4 years and I say that's grand For hope and faith in things. Your thoughts are unaware of me in a lot of ways... You had someone not out there (this vast universe) but right in front of you. For a long time. It's not like you woke up one morning and that somebody was disappearing and coming back or that person put you through a bunch of shit and says they hate you, then comes back later after they get bored of they're own games and tells you they are sorry... The person stayed with you, all that time.... Through all the drama you dealt with, all the games you played with everybody else, the arguments you had with him, and did he leave? Did he treat you like shit then say he's sorry for all that and expect for you to forgive him and threaten to kill himself? No he didn't... Why didn't he? Hmm.... What's love to you? Somebody sticking by your side through anything? Hmm... I think he got that. Somebody who cares about you and can show it? Hmm.... He got that... Somebody that believes in you and doesn't talk down on you?... Oh wait this guy got that too....

Watch the goowie movie (spell check)

Watch a love story or a story where someone goes to great distance to see someone.... Who do you think of when watching the movie? If its who your "with" at the moment? Then make no moves away... If its someone your not "with" today, make it do your "with" this person because in this world you want someone whos willing to go the distance for you and by distance it doesn't always mean miles...(get me)

Look

Stop and take a look at your connections with people to what they really are it might be eye opening..

Single

Yes! She's single nows my chance!(puts on superhero cape) To bees house!lol I'm just fuckin around. (smiles)

Motive..

You know I saw this video today and I was thinking of posting it, but idk.... It really makes me reconsider things like maybe I should be motivating something else more to the people I'm suppose to be friends with... Feeling kinda like I'm wrong... Hmm...

Caring

The often when I feel like straight saying to my girlfriend "fuck you" then just stop talking to her for awhile... But I'm too nice.. And that over dramatic ism isn't needed from me... So I'll just stick to this blog in my head.. Fuck you!*middle finger*
these past few days< other days
as far as me and her go and it's bothering me but things gotta get better right? at least I'm not angry, frustrated, and worried... Just feeling really.....(insert word of my choice) and I've just been looking for it to get better but it's not...in my waterworks mood about it but it's good... I'll make it...

Doctor... Doctor

I got myself in trouble mentally for the things I do.... Or well I technically haven't done yet but it's something I've considered... Ain't I the kinda person to do right by people?....I'll just monitor myself for now and report back to doctor Mario later if my condition worsens...

My music

So the thing is I'd let the people I write music (to) listen to the music if I wasn't worried about ridicule and the value of the songs meaning less to me after they hit some virgin ears... I want the ridicule as worse as it comes and I want honest opinion from the person it was written about... But at the same time I don't feel they will understand what it means to me/what it's meant to me, nor the process and overall what I went through personally before I wrote the song, during when I wrote the song, and how I felt when I wrote the song... Like some of this stuff had me in tears to write... And virgin ears I don't think would get that also I don't would really hear the message I'm trying to put through and get across...

To say

Umm I wanna say something but the basis of it is I love you. So it's like I'll just leave it as I love you.. Ya know who you are... I actually want to post a picture of you on my blog, but idk... I'll just leave it in my wallet for now.

I dont need love to be happy

Okaaaayy... Everybody on earth needs love to be happy. Simply because whatever your trying to substitute for it wont love you back simply because it's a materialistic world.. A soul is not a item it's only covered with one(your body) you take your soul with you and maybe just maybe your mate will arrive to meet you...

I used to think

You know I used to think... Maybe I wasn't meant to be happy... Ya know? Like maybe love is just a big figment of my imagination, when dreaming my imagination goes to... And during the day... But it's like I keep getting glimmers of hope and shine on
It... The real me is the type a guy, that loves and.... Well loves to be loved... But should I let anyone know that? No not a high priority of mine because for 1. People lie... I don't need somebody to tell me that and doesn't mean it.., and considering when I tell somebody I love them I don't do it for sex or any kind of sexual favor like others I know (glances over shoulders and thinks to self as people's faces appear around self) its like I could be easily tricked by any passing by standard... But well I have standards? Love is my standard, my highest standard probably... you aren't interested in that in your future and you aren't willing to trust me and give me 100% then I don't think I can be with somebody like that. I'm not someone to play games with unless those games are really like a deposit toward our happiness.. I have no need for any women that wants to go from guy to guy because they think the "hunt" is fun.. The "hunt" is a joke played by people who like to waste others times.. I hate a broken heart..(well then again who doesn't) why I don't let people get close to me to a point they can hurt me often... (yet I do have somebody there at the moment)

My Morning Bee

I made a song this morning for B and Ahh..... It's just like what am I doing?

Insecure

Figure what stuff out? She's very insecure she told me, don't mention it to her I told you that though. A lot of the times I feel like she's more lost about the way I feel for her then you are, even though I tell her. Yeah she does have me , not really much question about that considering all this stuff that's happened over this break for me..... She can stand up for herself... In a fight that's suppose to be a fight or against one person that can't fight...nough said. It's hard dating her at least half the time, because well don't tell anybody this but we aren't suppose to be dating...

At lunch we typically watch each other they I try not to make it obvious I'm watching her and she does the same. I don't get why we do that though? She said she doesn't care if I sit with her....but anyway she has this look on her face when she sees me talking to you at lunch.... Then typically it's seems like she wants to be around me more kinda and stuff like that so I think it's cool.

It's complicated this feels weird, I never really expected to be telling you this much.... You don't have to really try, it's like sometimes visual and others it's like a feeling I get. Like when you tell me to protect you from somebody, that does for some reason. It's also why when I hug you I hug you tightly, it doesn't really make me feel so alone but thats something Ive been doing for awhile now. My motions with you are all for a reason, "because I feel like it" is a reason covered up. When you smile it literally warms my heart, sometimes it makes my heart start to beat really fast.... When that happens it makes me want to be closer to you and I think I can trust you with anything. (nervousness with telling you that) the idea that somebody can fall in love with someone else's smile is true... I'll tell you more later, And when I smack your ass and you get mad about it, i tend to feel like its worth it. Because I have no intention of making you mad or hurting you, it just comes off that way sometimes.

All that is why I get frustrated when you start all that crap about you bring fat and stuff like that. Like the last time you asked me I actually thought you wanted my honest opinion. When I say chubby its not like I mean it as an insult. I meant all the stuff I said after that too, I'm not the type of person to make a bunch of lies after I say something just to make someone feel better. I think your really attractive, yeah I love you, yeah I'm willing to do a lot for you. If you thought you were fat..well.... I'll just say this... I'm not attracted to very fat women, simple as that. Therefore your argument of me calling you fat is like bullshit to me. You make me feel a certain way when I see you, a certain way when I think about you, and a certain way when I dream about you. I'm not trying anytime soon to make you feel bad or insult you, I want you to feel better then I do.

How are you going to know what I feel for you? If it's never brought up in conversation or something like that. I love EVERY part about you, when I think future I see myself here for you, when I think present I see myself with you. Just theres not anyone I'd rather be with or anyone I could see myself with more and there never has been. With any of my relationships, never will be. You can feel like we're growing apart because of this or that but at the end of the day I still think about you and still want to be with you even though I know its probably far fetched................

So when you tell me, I'm the one you want to be with and I'm the one you need..... you know how much it means to me.

Want you Around....(but I want to be around you, arms wrapped tightly...)

I never said you did say you weren't a virgin.lol I'm just saying in general. Yeah I do have feelings like that for you.lol I'm not sexually/emotionally impaired, I do feel things. It just never comes up to where it's a comfortable space for us to really talk about it and I figured you werent into stuff like that because anytime anything comes up that I could lead into that conversation your like "eww gross" or something like that. Its usually stuff like that thats one of the things i want to talk about when your like "you can talk to me about anything" Why do you think i smack your ass and stuff like that or knee you when you bend over in the halls? I'd grab but I don't think I'd move fast enough for you not to hit me.lol but then again i don't really care if you hit me, i think its funny and a compliment most times. I even make sexual jokes when I'm texting you. You turn me on..You'd probably know about it if I wasn't with her right now because theres been occasions where I've been like... ... ... ... Or i would've done something that would've gotten that point across.

When I'm around her... Well I try to send a message to everyone that I don't want them around when I'm with her or if they are it's only for a short while because it gets awkward with her sometimes when others are around and she looks annoyed of whoever it is. I don't mind you being around, although I am kinda scared of you taking my attention from her and she realizes it lol because I can see that happening. I wouldn't want you to stop being around me because of her. I ask if her if she minded she said not at all, but there's this women factor that it's like a no means yes and blah blah blah... So I don't really care of it bothers her unless she tells me and even then not really. I know it bothers her when she sees me with you at lunch because I can see it in her face, and she sometimes just comes over there when I'm talking to you because of it. She gets jealous and she is insecure but she doesn't want to show it or tell me a lot of the times... When I want her to be upfront about stuff like that, so I know I can be with her.but that's whatever....

You know during summers I wish on stars and stuff for you....?

The thing is .........

Bother bother bother

Would it be wrong of me
to diss a brother...
I mean after all
he dissed me brother....
My elders tell me
I shouldn't bother...
But ever since
he hit 18
he seems like
he ditched the collar...

Passion in music

Tired with another track turning out just the way I want it to... I love success and being around talent.... Though I literally almost was crying when I got done with this one, extra emotional most definitely.. Not giving too much away though...

Engagements (Forever again because forever is longest...get it)

Things hurt a lot more when they are already at heart before they are said. Your already in my heart.. so it's like if you said you hated me it hurts alot more then when anybody else says it... Because I care... I hate acting like I don't care with you...

Stop trying to be "good enough" with me please. You already are <3 perfections and imperfections... Your personality alone is what makes you you, and is what makes me love you...anger...and all... :) do you understand I love you...FOR YOU? What fun is our future engagements if you have to try, I want you to be natural you. No glitz no nothing. Just you and who you are at heart... Don't play an emotion... I want your heart and all that comes from it.

If I make you feel like I don't want you around, I'm sincerely sorry. You just need to know what's going on in my head..lol is it just recently or has it been for awhile? Recently it's because I don't want "others" to think I'm flirting with you and stuff like that. It's easy to do that with you, I don't really notice it most the time and I'm REALLY attracted to you so it's like (lalalalalalala I don't have any feelings for you at all(repeating) in My head) Then I see you smile and I have to start screaming it to myself.

I want to have sex with you.lol yeah I said it, even though I know that's not stuff you like to talk about. There's alot more to that...but I'll leave it there for now because we've never been to that topic.

If its awhile it's because of everything going on with you. Your boyfriends, especially Mr. Eggbeater... Among other things...

I get jealous sometimes though I don't want to show it.... (why I decided to leave mr. Far away alone, so i don't show it)

I care about you more then I tell you and more then I think I do myself...

...... I want you around the rest of my life. (get me? ... And I mean that by all means possible)

It does bother me.. some things I've heard about you... (you and eggbeater sexuality) but I also try not to show it but end up showing it by joining into everyone elses fun of teasing you about it.. (Which is why I say I'm sorry because I really am it just happens). And so you know giving a guy a hand-job still means your a virgin.lol unless there's other things... which I want to know...

Sometimes it seems like you don't want me to know your talking to him and your around him... Which really bothers me (I fuck up my knuckles with "her" because she acts like she doesn't want me to know things) I hate when people aren't completely honest with me and try to be sneaky and stuff like that... It gets me bad.... Yes I mean bad... Because I feel really bad about myself about it to... If you want to be with a guy then be with him even after you tell me your done with him and all this other crap because being sneaky and all that other stuff is only going to piss me off... So you know.... It only puts US farther back if your being that way or going back on something you tell me so don't say it if your not going to do it.

Being there for me..........
That goes a long way in all directions, I want you to but it's like there's somethings I don't think you want to talk about or are comfortable talking about and i feel like you've been here for me recently alot more then usual and I like it. Almost Anytime ive been dealing with anything you've been
right by my side(kinda).lol

On another note... I don't know how this compares to my longest, and I really can't believe I just said all this...really leaning to take something out... Don't think I should be that honest.lol

Safe?

I play many things... Safe isn't one of them... "her" isn't safe... The only thing I play safe with really is you... Because if it's not safe then it causes pain....

Awhile ago..... This happen and the results are to the day...

Being scared of outcomes...

I want you to get.....

Your my Jackpot?

Charles Hamilton - Jackpot (Produced By Sha-leik) by shabringin88back

when I met you.... How I feel inside... How I still feel ... these lyrics spoken from someone else conviently saying what i mean to a point....

Still Blooming

A flower goes alot farther then you think.....

 when you think it......

Did you know?

Are you interested to know more?

I Look Fucking awesome when I dress..well(Not to brag)..lol

Well regret proves nothing, Ive learned that... (looking back)

If she wanted a dance she should've said something... Because she did catch my eye that night, and she was the first person I saw... I wasnt around "her' the whole night. I did dance with other people. I actually felt bad for who she was suppose to go with because he was a no show. I'm glad I wasnt around you the whole night, because if I was I would've ended up kissing you before that night ended. I really wouldve have cared what anybody else thought of it.. The thought of going with you crossed my mind but I didnt bother because you said all these other people had asked you so i didnt want a repeat... for better words..

On another note my disappointment is off and on.... feeling like im right and wrong..

Why I dont reallly talk about the egg beater...... because I know....

Stronger

I'm weak but so strong...

Hearts

What's the difference between a broken heart and an open heart?

Guess it depends on the dream

And I guess in essence, it's best that you discover.... The only difference is one sounds better then the other...

My negative stupid comments...lol

Math is the most annoying subject in the world... Money is the only necessity to learn...

Lost (Im the loser)

I think you should try again... On the idea of outcomes (this one won't be the same) I could make any kind of promise to you on that but what's the point in being every other guy?

Maybe you did lose him? In some ways.... Ima be straight forward with this, I used multiple words to attempt to show you how much I cared about you... From best friend to what ever.

The world is pretty big... Maybe I don't understand just how much you do...( so I'm The loser) Maybe I think its really not so much of a world sometimes.. Maybe I think it's more of a small piece of desolent land... That I'm reserved to.. (so do I lose? Because with you it seems like all I've been doing..)

Change clothes (my longest blogpost probably of 2012)

I was changed...apparently... So I let this person change me? We talkin outfits or the way the heart dances? The change in me? Well is well..... This change goes back...we talkin 2 years, Dance.... The dance I actually asked her to, but she was busy up-top with another dude... I still remember the messages before that day and during that day... Astounding isn't it? Soo I found out she was going with who she'd been chasing for awhile before then... Good for her.... Ahh? Well it wasn't so clear that night... Let me tell you about that night for me, I wasn't hurt the most by the "No" I received via what I heard instead of what I was told the most.... It was actually the night when I got there, I saw her with him...... The idea of that should've been me? Crossed my mind... But I was determined to be happy for her... Then the more the night went on the worse it got... That dance I toke alone, I didn't have a date... I was going to leave but I didn't want to explain to my parents why, so I stayed... I ended up crying that night in the bathroom instead of leaving...lovely ain't it? Then as it seemed the night was coming to a close....guess who actually decides to get me up and dancing to have some fun? My "changer".... That was the best part of my night... I danced with her instead of who I actually wanted to dance with..you. Actually you watched as I danced with her, I noticed while you were dancing with him... I chuckled in my head at that...

And that's where my changing begins. A night that I planned for me and you to be together, a night that probably would've been the best night of your life... Turned into all that... Because of your choices..... Because of the way she made me feel that night, when I was literally at my lowest, that resulted in what I'm Doing today. Why I don't just break up with her... It's that lasting feeling, the memory of that night.

So...if...she... Changed... Me? ...well I can't really see how... The only reason you don't see things the way they were is because it requires a vulnerability of me that I'm not comfortable with and I cant have you hold because I lose in the situation when you have my kryptonite(chuckles at the idea of myself being superman) almost all the time... I don't want to be crying about this and that... You don't realize how this stuff really effect me... Yet I think you somewhat get me? However, missing my point... The distance you feel, I'm not even sure if it's beatable because you have to understand first...(no I don't mean, to listen to every word... You really have too now what I'm feeling... Like it can't be you hearing what I'm saying but its forgotten or not in mind at some point or that if you think or feel a certain way about what I tell you it's not said, because I'm not that way with you.. Everything you tell me I think about and is said if I feel a certain way about it... Everytime I talk to you about any of this, it honestly seems like your holding back and you want to say something but you don't (for better words)... If fear is what causes it let me know, because I'm stuck in a rut(for better words) if it's something your worried about I should know it because there really isn't anything you should be with me... You shouldn't be afraid of the outcome (if thats what it is) because at the end of the day... The story doesn't end... (shrek and his happy endings lol) it keeps going... Wherever its taken... Love for someone doesn't come to an end.. It lives through many outcomes... What outcome are you afraid of? Because I can't see one... (now imagine if this was a note or a text message, see why i dont write often....hahaha also I don't like the idea of you losing a note because of what's its all meant to me)