Insecure

Figure what stuff out? She's very insecure she told me, don't mention it to her I told you that though. A lot of the times I feel like she's more lost about the way I feel for her then you are, even though I tell her. Yeah she does have me , not really much question about that considering all this stuff that's happened over this break for me..... She can stand up for herself... In a fight that's suppose to be a fight or against one person that can't fight...nough said. It's hard dating her at least half the time, because well don't tell anybody this but we aren't suppose to be dating...

At lunch we typically watch each other they I try not to make it obvious I'm watching her and she does the same. I don't get why we do that though? She said she doesn't care if I sit with her....but anyway she has this look on her face when she sees me talking to you at lunch.... Then typically it's seems like she wants to be around me more kinda and stuff like that so I think it's cool.

It's complicated this feels weird, I never really expected to be telling you this much.... You don't have to really try, it's like sometimes visual and others it's like a feeling I get. Like when you tell me to protect you from somebody, that does for some reason. It's also why when I hug you I hug you tightly, it doesn't really make me feel so alone but thats something Ive been doing for awhile now. My motions with you are all for a reason, "because I feel like it" is a reason covered up. When you smile it literally warms my heart, sometimes it makes my heart start to beat really fast.... When that happens it makes me want to be closer to you and I think I can trust you with anything. (nervousness with telling you that) the idea that somebody can fall in love with someone else's smile is true... I'll tell you more later, And when I smack your ass and you get mad about it, i tend to feel like its worth it. Because I have no intention of making you mad or hurting you, it just comes off that way sometimes.

All that is why I get frustrated when you start all that crap about you bring fat and stuff like that. Like the last time you asked me I actually thought you wanted my honest opinion. When I say chubby its not like I mean it as an insult. I meant all the stuff I said after that too, I'm not the type of person to make a bunch of lies after I say something just to make someone feel better. I think your really attractive, yeah I love you, yeah I'm willing to do a lot for you. If you thought you were fat..well.... I'll just say this... I'm not attracted to very fat women, simple as that. Therefore your argument of me calling you fat is like bullshit to me. You make me feel a certain way when I see you, a certain way when I think about you, and a certain way when I dream about you. I'm not trying anytime soon to make you feel bad or insult you, I want you to feel better then I do.

How are you going to know what I feel for you? If it's never brought up in conversation or something like that. I love EVERY part about you, when I think future I see myself here for you, when I think present I see myself with you. Just theres not anyone I'd rather be with or anyone I could see myself with more and there never has been. With any of my relationships, never will be. You can feel like we're growing apart because of this or that but at the end of the day I still think about you and still want to be with you even though I know its probably far fetched................

So when you tell me, I'm the one you want to be with and I'm the one you need..... you know how much it means to me.