Happy Birthday Flower

Hey Brittany, I don't know if your sleep right now but I just wanted to remind you or let you know that your friendship really means a whole lot to me and a whole lot more then my actions tell. Also that though things seem like they may have changed from awhile back in some ways. I'm still here and not much as changed or well they have changed but for the better and the only change Ive made is what you see on the surface for the better... I still love you. You still mean a lot to me. I'm sorry if you want me to be more open with you, or "the way things used to be" I just can't because... Well it's a thing with me. It wouldn't be right for me to ask change of you therefore I change myself to adjust with you with I want to be a part of your life. I feel like I already know the way things will be with you and that's what bothers me. I can't or I shouldn't live in the romantic world of me and you in my head. I need to be in reality and I'm learning to see it more clearly...slowly. For the better. I act like a child, and basically when the times comes that you really are frustrated or mad at me I notice its what you call me. It's what your describing with your words and its what I realized a time ago. So I'll change for you. Don't take me wrong for saying this I'm just keeping it real. I need to grow up right? I'm not making this about me and if I am it's because I want to be better for you. So don't rant to me about it. I'm not blaming you for anything either I'm making the situation into what it is. The reality of it is that I feel a certain way and I've felt a certain way and that's the big issue. So I keep that to myself though it tares me apart everyday because I do. Yet when I don't keep it to myself it seems to be worse for my emotions. But whatever!!!! Lol anyway ..I don't like the way things are between me and you lately and it needs to change for the new year... P.S. I love you so much and I really need you in my life... Happy Birthday :)

********btw you can tell by how I started this, that I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks or well actually a month and 2 days to be exact...****

Mr... Just me.

And on another note... If you found out what you tell people influenced them in negative ways... When you only vent to people to let them know what your going through... Never putting that weight on them or telling them it has anything to do with them.. It's a fucked up thing... But I guess that's why I've always been Mr. Misunderstood.. Juust my Depression, suicidal, passionate, and thoughtful ways that makes me...me. but what do you do? You disappear.... because if they can't see you what can they say? What can they say if your voice is only that that you can hear from a box? It's in the mail... Watch me.. No need to check on me.. I'm not for sell.

Mrs.

This may just be my last blogpost... And the problem is I'm too self centered... so for the final act I may just need to let the whole world revolve around the. We'll see.... Don't miss me...

My probably silence

It's all good though 😷🌇🎈🎉

Friends---Girlfriend

There's a difference between girlfriend and friend, but what I'm realizing is that if your friends first ...that's better sometimes...

The door

If people say or imply they no longer want to be a part of your life... What do you do? You didn't push them out so they wanted to leave...

Posted (Im spoken)

My damn words, don't take it like you get it or know what I'm talking about! These are my words, so I vent....so I say what's on my mind, etc... If something is ever posted anywhere from me ...DON'T TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT...or....THINK YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT OR WHO FOR THAT MATTER.... You act like I'm just doing things and in a way I am... But damn it I got a reason and you need to hear it.... My mistake for expecting you to ask... You can't trully care of your not willing to hurt, and that cuts deep.. You can't think your with someone or your going to be if you never establish that dialogue... And to be real that dialogue is what relationships count on... Stop being so "ima hold myself while I keep myself happy in everyway" that's impossible... Because if you tell me your happy that way I'll tell you your not and why your not... Confusion stems from a lack of spoken words in a decision... Lost means you gotta open up to find what your looking for... You won't always find it in yourself... Because you are the lost one...

Recent abilities

Too much to write about... Too much to talk about... But I'm just getting done with talking about shit that happened months ago... Or am I done. I blog a lot less now and lately simply because doing this vents out emotion or well basically this is a form of expression like music to me so maintaining both has me pulling on a rope... There's something I've wanted to do a lot more lately... I mean I've been depressed but I've never wanted to take it that far... I'm not depressed anymore but I feel like an action would be the ultimate form of relaxation. I'll be back at some point here writing about what's been going on on my side with your problems... Or should I talk about that? Lol I'm in the closest sense of being in a relationship that makes my friends awkward, and I can't care about it because I have to do things for me sometimes. I deserve it! Right? Thank you. Quiet as kept there's so much I can speak on with you yet I've kept it quiet for a reason... My girlfriend set it up like we're friends first, or maybe I did that myself..who knows? I just live it right? I mean she's what I wanted so I'm happy right? I can't seem to focus on things though... Relationships to friendships to all and all, I wish the connection would be as deep as I want it and to have a connection where I no long have to worry about what I tell someone because they realize it's me and accept me for it. But there's always a silent judge, how my actions fuck me.. Haha I'm incomplete and lately I feel as though I never will be complete... Isn't it wrong to tell someone how to love you? Isn't it wrong to tell a friend how to be a friend?... To tell family how to be family? Wish on my stars.... My eyes, your heart... Guide me :) 🎆🎆

About me

If there's ever a time when I don't want to deal with this and I give up, I'll just get back to me and be back where I started chasing my dreams on my own. But my search for a women that'll make me feel like I don't ever have to consider giving up, isn't going to put me through a bunch of stuff and or honestly tells me they put me through nothing at all. It's still on! I'm self conscious, I literally feel like I don't deserve people at times, yet they got me like wrong... And it's on... There's things about me..

Running

Did you know it's all running in direct directions? Do you know what that means?

Help

I need your help interpreting things, you say it's trust. I had no idea what it was. I just really need your help (no not someone judging me) but legit help.

My business with "loveyou's" and as well as things I hate to say but have to Part 2

But what do I (Need) to let go of really.. do you feel me? differences are faar yet similar do you get it? Why the fuck do I want to make music or spend time with my family so much? Because the shit hurts.... man I havent felt.... nah fuck outta here... I aint sayin that... I aint admitting to that. I make music and do everything I do because it keeps my mind off of you period... I smile just so I dont cry or frown and somebody askes me "whats wrong?"... words cant describe... but do you realy think im getting better.. tell me your thoughts on it... ..haha... as if my thoughts were what you were thinking... I take a step further...

The Things I Need to Say but Hate to....Part 1

Really I doubt I'd use a rock..... it'd by choice be a piece of my heart <3.. to the friend i miss so much...

This is probably going to be the longest thread of post ever stemming from this title.... but whateves, back to what I was going to say... I miss you....

Thinking

I miss you! Considering just doing something with you if I can rather then going out with a bunch of friends...hmm what do you think?

Remedy

My own thoughts when I read them later make me feel bad... So am I my only remedy to my obnoxious confidence?

Hypocrite

It's well interesting I feel like I'm going back on what I said earlier, I never planned to be really using this word anymore. But it's just you that makes me want it to be okay and I don't know if I should trust you. I dont think it would be smart to but everything in me wants to.

Drake - Shot For Me

This song has me doing waves and everytime I listen to it....This heart beats for you. I just want to release what's been bottled up and I've been holding for months long. But... I just can't... What purpose did my time mean? Why couldn't you see it before? Why didn't you believe it before? I don't have to.... I don't gotta lie to you. But I feel like I have to for the better. Is this really any better though?

Logic

I think with a logic farther then others...

I like me

Well as usual I spent 30 minutes writing a post only for it to be deleted as I step out for a sec. So I've always wondered what face do y'all give me when y'all see me talking to my crush? I mean when I'm looking in the mirror, y'all must really think I'm crazy.lol this girl though thats been on the rise of my mind is really a .......(insert female dog acronym) And I could doubt highly it won't work out but there's a different feeling so I go anyway.lol shouts to my bud. Brittany rather your watching or listening at this point. I like myself so much right now I think I might go buy myself dinner, but do I really deserve it? I won't ask for permission anymore... Forgiveness feelings better but why ask for permission to be forgiven? I forgive myself shit!lol anyone willing to run in my life can run out of time.(get it) or simulate a child running with face up scissors.(accidents happen) I won't chase after you, I'll leave you to be lost. Only person being chased these days are women in the most playful ways and my dreams. I'll forever chase my dreams though fuck em at the end of the day because my goals are more important. There's so much I'm leaving out of this post and not mentioning on purpose... It errks me... But so do y'all so I guess fair is fair....

New music

There's alot of material coming soon... I'm anxious to drop something tonight but "patience is key" is what they tell me..

Spring and bounce on

You know I realize my friends teach me .... Well remind me that family is the only thing I really got that'll be there all the time.... It's interesting... But I thank y'all ... Because I'm in/part of one big happy family and when I get older if I decide to have kids I'll have one big happy family...

I rather be a ghost

So basically it seems and or feels like I shouldn't be stepping out for the date tomorrow... Like the 31 is awesome, but the events so much... I feel like everything is telling me no not a good idea but I dont think I care...

Too much

Too much it's too much... Ima need something this time to get me along..

All the answers

This is a chance to ask every question possible you can... I don't care if it "crosses the line" or is "mean" or whatever... Just a chance of a lifetime with all the answers...

Too quick to call things love these days. People annoy me, how guys go from one relationship to another and call each one "love" shut the fuck up! People like you disgust me, you'll really don't know nothin... Truthfully some of y'all dudes make every girl your world! Like I don't see why not I guess cause this galaxy is big... But damn shut the hell up about it..

Why the less frequent post..?

Why I'm not speaking as much anymore as well as on here is not because I want to be silent or anything like that. It's because when I express myself and my feelings about people and things I come off the wrong way with people. Speaking from my heart gets me in trouble...(but am I that troubled) People I very much care about have told me I'm like a wounded animal or some shizz like that (and in mind an apology was never given) so individuals meant it when they said it. Therefore silence is a response. Is the quiet better? I can't talk to some people and be even a friend if I can't honestly do and say what I feel. I try to be as open as possible with things and as a response I get a punch to the face (verbally) so what to do about that? I didn't get angry and rampage, though I want to. (thinking a response to the previously stated, is expected) calling me that burned me...burned me bad.. And it still burns, still hurts, still responds. But you wouldn't know that...

Connect

Yeah I miss the connections I used to have with people. Or did I ever have those connections with people?

I cried yeah..

What does it mean not to be good enough for somebody? What does it mean to have feelings for someone? Does she know it at all? I can't seem to break this feelin like she's what I've been missing. She, her, what's her name?Damn it I can't say it... I see what looks like she's doing better or good that makes me better. Damn don't you know what this smile on my face is for? It's the feelings I'm feeling for you... Damn its good but before it didn't seem so. Maybe what you take for granted... Maybe what I take for granted not knowin that I have it. Sometimes so close to me, I can't manage... Breathing it must be... Fine it's about time I say something, I don't know if it's love...don't know what I want but a hug will do for the time. I don't know what to call this feeling that I'm feeling and or if we can't have it.

It's just you, I don't know what to do. I dont care about your past I don't care about any of it....

What the hell is this about?

The emotions that I feel, I hate to seal. Everytime I look in your eyes, can you tell thats the only truth to the way I feel or how I'm doing. Like can you tell what I'm thinking or the way I feel. When you meet me I feel like you can but I never know... What are you hiding over there? Your lips haven't told, but every action you take is letting it show.. Taking it slow...


Yeah you lied... But well if I'm angry about it, does it show? Or it just a "seal away" all that for the gold? That (T) (L) (H) and more aren't moving. Since they aren't they must not be with you. I wrote a post awhile ago hoping I'd never have to post it... But well I guess that day was young, because I feel a need to now though I don't want to hurt you.... Well end to a tale... No more time wasted...

Dezzie - who Im chillin with

You know sometime I should just figure how things are gonna go. She overreacts about every damn thing. Lol wonder how you get the name "Big tits"...hahaha well not really so much a wonder to as it should be.... O.o you gotta be like that after this many years, your ridiculously... I haven't done anything but treat you right after if not all but most.. Whatever though...

More on "Dez" later..

Word up to stupidity at its greatest

I do things... Bad things... Because I know that are. I laugh and because of my morals they give me a burn like indigestion... What do I learn? When will I learn? What's left to learn? Is it my turn?

Straight bullshit

Everyday there's more shit to deal with isn't it?lol

Music

Truthfully niggas/fans get high off the shit... Like they get high on the shit that matters and doesn't when it matters...(lol when they get me for this)

First songs for you/her (younher)

I found my first songs written about a certain someone... Way back from the days... I won't mention... Lol should I throw a few down for the throwbacks...? Nah, only I fucks with this shit..lol hahaha y'all just don't know the shit I was on...

This, Us, You, Me, And all the rest..

Ya know I can't do this...well let's rephrase "this"... But like really, I can't keep chasing behind you... I do have my own life to live with my own problems for me to deal how I deal... I let go, I forgive, I forget...well I'll never forget because you were/are a big part of my life... You meant a lot to me...well everything.. Sadly i couldnt show it for a stray of reasons that I'm not mentioning because its not important any longer. But I cant be my everything's "choice" and that "everything" not really realize it or if they do ... not be real about it... Well to be completely honest I just can't deal with your situation..... And what your situation is is only for really you to one day realize and understand and only then can you move forward. Helping you is indisputably the hardest thing ever... Though I try to and will continue to to a point...

I dont care

Like I've been thinking to a point where my thoughts and my thought process would be well what's considered selfish or intricately difficult... Stumbled upon what you'd call a wardrobe in my mind... And I think I'd rather be lost here then stuck in time... But let's not be thinking about me because I'm doing just fiiiiiine..lol

Yooooo

To be honest it's a thing and it's secret but I'm trying not to make it a thang.lol

V - day

There's a lot that catches my eye today as well as a lot I cant take but my heart'll fake. Happy valentines day...

Bad thought

Bad thoughts roam when I'm in this zone... I'm losing it..

Feels good dont it?(Brittany)

So Brittany is like I honestly feel like she just hasn't been very kind to me. But I'm learning treat her the way she treats me. This love that your making "this love a thing" really pisses me off and bothers me and hurts me. But you know that's whatever. I wonder what goes on in your mind. What is it with you? But you probably think that with me to or not, either way it's cool. I'm done worrying about all the crap. It's not my problem, as I discontinue with clue clue. In this world everyone makes mistakes so I don't care what you do anymore. I'll make mine too, since that's the right thing to do. You know I feel like I talk to myself a lot... Well too much for that matter.. And the best thing to do is to leave anything about my relationship statues with anyone rather friends or whatever alone as well as how they feel or anything .... Which is why I'm saying fuck whatever I had with anyone in the past as well as leaving anything else alone. I live in a past with my junior high bullsnot after all, so let's just see how it is when I delete all that stuff from my mind. And leave only my current thought of people to judge.

Whats good on it?(Lexus)

Umm so yeah I do have some feelings for Lexus. Yeah even though it's like the dialogue with me and her is nothing. I don't know exactly what it is. But I do have something about her. Like I know I do feel something for her, it's like a feeling that I don't know how to describe it... Maybe it's just a breakup feeling.hahahaha but it's just me.

Dogs Pt. 1 (I Lose It, Clueless)

I act like the awkward dead dog..lol fuck I look like? I'm fucking pathetic. Stare at me and poke me with a stick. Literally pick up that fucking stick and poke with with it. Don't look at me when you do it though, I'm honestly scared you'd feel bad. I just bring this energy with me that makes everyone feel bad and makes everyone sympathize for me... And to top it off I'm just like really annoying telling people the way I feel and stuff like that. I should really be more like a rock, like really a rock is a good example.. But then again that's the way I used to be. Didn't give a rats ass about anyone. I was a terrible person and everyone hated me. I let other people fall for me even... I lied and ...well I did a lot of things wrong... But well doesn't that make me human or some crap like that somebody once said.hahaha... Well anyway this post might have been......... Well was fucking pointless and I wouldn't expect any thought more from anyone else reading this... To end it all, I might as well say this as well, FUCK ME! Like literally Fuck me!!

Battle

Hard question: Who to talk to?lol like really why does this seem hard or difficult? I just go to start a message and scroll through my contacts then click a number...lol wow well what a battle.

Down

Might take this blog down... Just my thought right now... This at first felt like a good idea, and has been a pretty good way for me to open up and be myself but in all honesty.... There's too much that is heard.(nough said) like I'm honestly sick of it... My post don't stick on this blog the way they should anymore.. Like some fall off and get found and picked up by others. I can't fuck with this anymore..

This shit... is all

Truthfully... Honestly... Really... I really dont want anything from y'all. I don't want nothin. All this bullshit going on, isnt for me. Fuck outta here. I'm done with this shit.

Today

I don't even know.

Yesterdayer

I just want you to know that... you really fill my world with hope and a reason to continue to care....

Suicidy

I am suicidal... Like really... I have thoughts and I have tried... So I may kill myself... Thats what you don't know... That's something I don't mention to anyone.. Well except one other person. And maybe some addiction to some things... But thats another day.. I started Hiphop music because honestly life was too much for me to keep to myself and not telling anyone... I do music to keep my mind off of things and I'm not suicidy... I don't... Haven't told you this because I don't want it to be viewed as like "oh I'm going to kill Myself because of you" or anything like that. I'm not trying to be a Charles... So I kept it to myself... (But isn't that what you want me to do?)

School

Well I have multiple understandings to different levels... I have found some interesting things... :) people have really changed in some ways as I look around at the people I used to be around.... In this school.

I deserve it

I deserve someone's anger and attitude apparently. Well I don't see why, what have I done. Well I apparently am this dying animal on the road. Do I beg for attention? What is this animal what does this animal do? Do you make you feel bad? Is that what your saying? If I do, how? Because I only tell you honestly what's going on with me... Am I wrong for that? Is that the way you describe the way you see me when you ask me what's wrong and I don't tell you? Well about when I don't tell you... It's because I don't really want to argue, but I guess it's better of I just be straight forward about what's bothering me right? .... Honestly describing me this way probably hurt me, more then most. But I won't mention that either and I sure won't show it. Its a stupid reason and a stupid thing to be angry about....

The Openess (A post that wont probably see the light of day) (I guess things change)

I continue to blog about you because I dont want anymore what ifs...... I blog because if anything happens to me I want there to be something left of me for people to understand and it makes my life easier venting with this....






I love you... And what that means from me is that you have my heart, like I'm literally giving you my heart and trusting that I'll be okay... Now I really am... After this post.. It also means that I care for you mind, body, and soul.. I say this in a post very short summarizing really but I hope you really understand what I mean, I use the word love very scarcely.. (this was longer the first time I wrote it)
I get mad when I think of you with other people, honestly because I just see me and you period anybody else I feel is unwelcome it's hard for me if I'm expected to welcome them which is why there's the thing between a friend and something more and caring and not caring.

Hmm I rush as I search for words... Maybe I should just speak from my heart? Or other parts of my body?lol (jokes)...

My heart tells me I can/should/would be around you all the time. I'd love to be around you all the time.. Yeah things might get annoying but a good annoying.. I really want to be close to you... Like badly... The reason why I like giving abnormally long hugs is because it makes me feel happy, it brightens my day, and makes my soul overall feel good like I feel like I glow after a long stretched out hug with someone I care about.

And well let's reach alittle lower... I am able to separate my feelings for people, like well I did alittle of this before but I think I'll tell alittle more. Because we should be able to tell each other ANY AND EVERYTHING RIGHT? I really think I want to kiss you passionately and hold you for multiple hours. Am I wrong? Nah I haven't touched an awkward basis for you yet.. So you know the song "To a flower" about you well you should definitely do what the song says. Like you should ask me to show you what I mean in the song.. :) .................... excuse me for my silence but I'm serious. And I just hate when I'm at school and I get really attracted to you because when I do if I follow through with what my thoughts are telling me it's a whole other side of me you haven't seen... But you need to see, because you need to know me... Better then they do, I want you to.. I want you to see me for who I really am and not just what I show people on the surface.. Cause it's not always truthful... (I'm not talking about sexually which is why I say truthful) I'm Pretty honest with that. Like there's times when I feel like you barely know me and I hate it, like I know you know certain things but I feel like there's a boundary and I don't like that. For awhile now the "any and everything" is what I questioned every time it's said or brought up.

When I think of you sometimes I feel like I'm just the luckiest person in the world ... Like your one of the most amazing women I know.. And you can debate that all you want... My Dazzled post... Who I meant is you, how you've been dazzling me is for me to know because if you know it wouldn't be natural of you and that would disgust me... Hey you remember when you got in trouble for Dan on the bus and the whole fingering thing... Well whether it happened or not... I wanted to be mad about that but I didn't because my reason wasn't necessarily right... The thing I always saw was like...(heavy deep breaths) I saw me and you being each others first. Never really saw myself admitting this but yeah I did... (Laugh all you want) Which is why I even got offended when other talked about it because it hurt me in a different way to believe that that happened and because that happened I wasn't sure what else may have happened.. But what happened is for you not me... And sure that "crazy" idea may be far fetched or whatever but I have good intentions at heart. I want/wanted it to be with someone I really care about and I couldn't and can't to this day think of anyone I care about more then you.. That's my mindset, there really isn't anyone else that fits my needs... I've had multiple chances to but because of that mindset I haven't. So whatever your view is on that ..... ?

I want to put time into something I know is worth my time... You are on my mind when I say that. I want to spend every second of my life with someone that'll make every second worth living as well as make it a hell of a ride.... I see you when I say that... I use the word love because I know no other words that could explain the way I feel about you... Yeah they say I'm young and I might not know what love is or whatever but..... At least I have some idea and I'll go off that idea because my idea of love is what makes me feel best... My love is what keeps me calm.... You are what makes me calm....

I would've probably asked you out, but I want to wait until this situation that's currently ... what feels like is on-going with you and Charles..haha Charles .. You know who I mean. I don't want to start something with you with other previous engagements, also why I didn't yet because I want to be completely over my recent situation before I do anything (attempt to) with you... (On recent update..) I think I'm ready..

"I'm close to the edge
There's no room for mistakes
When I asked you
You told me you wouldn't
watch me drown
So who says I can't make it
It'll be easier for you
If I'm not being the clown
I don't expect perfect
I hope you don't either
Perfect for each other
My heart beats forever
As long as your my miester
I know the love is there
Just teach me
Help me
Help me my flower
Let your roots reach me
I see you
I hope I be with you
Can you "
- Mr. Loverboy aka me.lol
.... and if that's me I'm forever stopping to smell the roses of my garden.. :)

Your Mine and Im free...

Mine (Freestyle) by jene-hemi



Mine (Freestyle)







Mine mine mine mine...your all mine... (This isn't the last song I've written about/for you...)

these are different, I don't know if you'll really notice it the way I do though...

looks around shyly, unsure of self but does it anyway.... :* daps..



*I close my eyes and see us...... the picture is clear and soothing ..... should I go On?

So "Will You Be Mine" B.E.F. ?

Well "quit with the buullshit" according to

"I'll be fine...I'll be fine.....ill be fine...." Nobody needs you.... Well not exactly.... All honesty there's things you don't know... Things that I don't tell you because I don't want to imply something bad or anything like that... But I'll get to that later in the week..

Family shit

Tired.... Got shit from everybody yesterday... No kindness will be given to those people anymore... I'm going to straight be a dick to this people that didn't give a shit what I was doing yesterday and had me up till 2 am.. So I'm on 4 hours of sleep and I have to give 2 speeches... Great!

TRUST(Brittany)

My anger was not toward Charles.... It was toward trust..... post removed(trust)...... anger(trust).......... Ignoring?(trust)............ see the thing is I got and get reallly offended when you dont tell me something.... like Im honest with you and continue to get more honest yet theres still things you (purposefully) dont tell me... and it went on further that I heard it from someone else instead which is just ass. If you didnt tell me something because you forgot to thats understandable every once in awhile....But like Ethan asked you diid you tell me you said no.... tell me why is its that this number of people(      ) know yet you havent even said anything to me about it...


Further more its about time to touch base on something "L" the feelings  I have for her what exactly do you think they are? I stopped... Like literally I just stopped. I text her every now and again but Im not pursuing anykind of relationship more then maybe friends and we arent even there ... were like aquintances.... so what do you have to complain about when it comes to that.... Charles I trust you when you say you dont have feelings for him... you seem to think thats whats bothering me... B... it honestly only bothers me if you go back on anything you tell me, or simply being around him. I cant be with you and him love/hate that doesnt work for me... I dont understand how you feel... i dont even feel I understand you anymore... Or did I ever? Like the idea of walking with him and you in the middle....... thats what got me.... that made me feel like a fucking idiot.... if you want to be with him please do if you want to walk with him please do. just tell me.... its not like I care after all.. right...?(stutters) 

Junior high drama... what part of this is junior high drama... this is honestly what you make it? and honestly because i dont want to be in Junior high drama is why I wont walk with both of you... how do you even honestly expect me to? you know I hate HIM! whats your issue... im leaving you... i walk too fast.. I walk to slow im leaving you....I dont get it.... but I know a way to fix that... I honestly hate saying sorry to you.... i feel like its over used but i dont know what to say ... like really Im a fucking wounded dog or some shit like that....  thats the literal reason why i dont tell people whats wrong or anything like that. because i get called names like that.... FUCK OUTTA HERE with that shit... I cant tell people my problems, I cant talk to anyone.... I cant really be a real human being with anyone because its basicallly.... tooo much for them...

(So wounded Dog out)


Forgot to mention really though basically I got the heat from all the other crap going on with you because of other people....

straight arguments

Straight up though I was left... Lik literally left thinking right.... (Ball so hard) lol fuck if im a dying puppy or some shit can i at least have razor sharp teeth or something.... Maybe Im wrong but i didnt understand that argument once again and the thing is ...wasnt it about me?.... or isnt it always according to (looks over shoulder) well anyways I dont understand how I did that considering its like I portrayed very anger though I was laughing through the torture.... interesting..... Ima just do what makes me feel good and not worry like ive been doing for the past weeks....

Im not even mad about that, and the matter of why i was mad still is a mystery...

Nothing I Could Say

Know what my silence was and used to be about.. why I cant deal with the same things... there has to be a death to my past mistakes and i have to learn from them.....  I don't want the same type of communication I had with this relationship in any(So I argue).... yet theres things about her that cant be compared or equaled... I cant trust people if they don't trust me... if they keep things from me by their own (will) which I find out by myself anyway but wait to see if they will tell me.....
(so glad I made this song)

Lexus

I go on I haven't slept a night without cold sweats since we haven't been (together) but you'll never know this and neither do I expect you to care if you did... It's just me... Aren't I just suppose to get over it like any other relationship... (though I know I can't and won't, I won't admit it and you'll never know or believe it if I told you) .........(and how can I not get over it I have a long life ahead to live, so what will I do?)
....(this has crossed my mind at times but what the s is I won't say)

Tonights gonna be special

Tonight at midnight things will change. Tomorrow is declared a day. Fun!

Thoughts(food for thought)

If there was a way to contact people...like mentally and know what they were honestly thinking...umm yeah that would be pretty awesome.... But maybe thoughts represent bad remnants of broken promises.. And therefore they wouldn't represent anything well...

Dreams

Well that's that it's about time to open my big mouth... Well the woman of my dreams can't be matched or compared, so what am I looking for. And the way I see it is... Well the way I see it.. Because its normal for me to have a very sexual and aggressive dream about a female what's not normal is for me to have one where I'm just honestly and full heartedly chilling with a female and I have an equal joy as I would the sexuality... Like does her company actually get me off or am I losing it? (hold up) ill stop there before I do it again..."it" meaning really only what I could tell or explain... But I won't... (rubs bow)

There's a lot of women out there and I mean a lot but never in my day have I ever had a dream to this extent that I'm just hanging out with a female and my joy is what felt like more then... Or could be equal to sex with a female....

....(this has crossed my mind at times but what the "it" is I won't say)

Light of day

The light of day grows dim.... So you won't see the light of....Day... Things never really seem important... What really matters... Things to point out but I'll be brief tonight... Time, love, life and more .... 10 post maybe more... Wrote the hell out of things when I got home... And you'd think it would be a paper... But it was just post after post to remember.. Like literally I could write multiple papers with all I have to and could say... But speaking from where I'm coming from, wont be best... A couple pages 5-10 is interesting views but with all I have to say I'd need at least double that... (laughs at wondering whats funny)

I make up reasons to smile honestly... Like literally I make them up.... I'm
Good....

Its times like this that I would go back to writing my country music.lol ohhhhhhh no one knows that... Yes I write/wrote country music...it's where I started... Why though? Why country? Lol that's for me to know..and I was damn good with country too...just wasn't enough of a calling..

Words

Just words on a page? Just words on a page? What I put here means more then simple words on a page... It's what your reading but it's the life I'm
Living... How I live... What I live through...

Yes theres something wrong

What ever happened to what you told me about being done with Charlie and all that..... I guess it was just a bunch of jazz you told me to pass the time.... what are your words really worth? Everything you tell me seems like it falls through.... what of what you tell me can I really trust.....

I'm not going to walk with the guy you told me this and that about and basically lied to me.... kissing him and stuff... you may think I don't see it and stuff but I do... and it hurts me.. but do you reallly care? I have a hard time knowing anymore....

A speech of better days in darker years...

No I don't like Charlie and further more I feel like I'm in the same relationship I was before but its like all the things I didn't like about lex and all the things I don't like about you and the crap with charlie all together... I feel stupid... I feel like you don't get me and everything I tell you in honesty trying to trust you was pointless and a bad choice on my part... I open up to you and this is what I get basically... what ever happened to when you said you wouldn't leave me alone if I opened up? That's what I'm getting from you ALONE..... what I meant when I asked you... everything I put behind those words in that question.... EVERYTHING.... This is just too much... I'm getting everything that didn't make me want to trust you or anything from you... allll the bad I trusted wouldn't happen because of what you said.... I guess that's just what I get ?................

(walks away from podium..)

Tonights events begin to unfold

I just love you and you don't get it. I would like to put a song to this... Though my intention behind this song was more then simply a title "mine" intention was to actually be MINE..lol but I think it may be necessary to put it out there for you. My plans were to only release this under two circumstances...we were dating OR Valentines day... But let's just see how things go after.....(and now thinking about it, its not like this is the last)

Did I forget

Enough of the bullshit.. Let's stop it real quick..

(walks on)

Chase

They keep saying, keep sayin, Keeo dreamin baby...

Advice for Charles.... A chase doesnt last forever...

Host

Host of post and yet there's so much more to know, so many more places I could/would/ and will get to as I make it there... This blog is mine about me and nothing about anyone else will be said..

Negatives

Im talking to everybody now, leave me the fuck alone because the shit y'all have done to me recently... I should be the only one mad or any negative feeling toward it...

Hurt

People hurt me with they're actions but do I give a shit...nahhhhh

Shows

I over think too much, Ima just live my life and stop caring about everyone else's actions... no more of myself in they're shoes... Acting with they're show...

(Walks out and slams door)

Me

Hey don't you know, that I know how to make it? Like I write songs, I draw, I paint, I write poems, I blog, I cook and clean, I'm me... I did everything. Drinking and smoking weed do you like me? Nah that's just what I could do... I'm me I put my time in making this me, I'm the farthest from the if anyone's idea of a follower. I'm alone, people lie to me, people despise me, people don't get me, they make theyre jokes but Damn I'ma be fine... I smile because everything for me results in time spent...

(walks out door, leaving it wide open)

Walking out (But they walked out on me)

I learned what I need to do to be happy, and these people aren't for me...


(walks out door, leaving it wide open)

Good ride L

What more can I say? I liked L very much... I told her I loved her.. And yeah I did/do... Always will but the fact is one thing I will be sure of when I'm dating after her is that whoever I date is heterosexual... Not Bi or anything like that, I feel it's too much stress.. To feel someone could be doing anything with either sex... It's like your trying to seclude someone from the world which isn't possible. A women who has attractions to women like a dude and attractions to men like a girl is too complicated... I wish it wasn't like that for her but ya know sometimes people get confused and stuff...(walks out on that note but comes back one more time)


I wish her the very best like I do everyone else and I wish to me that I succeed in every goal.. I'm happy and no one is going to tell me differently... By point out obvious factors... (leaves again and slams door after one last glance at the past)

Love and madness

"Love is merely madness" - William Shakespeare

Postponed

There's was to be correctly counted in my drafts, 5-6 post that were suppose to be cleared tonight and posted with a slew of things in them.... But I no longer feel they are appropriate... So instead this is all to be said...



(Rubs bow and stumbles off hurt...)

Lie world lie

Thinking about the world... How can someone just lie.... Like do you just not think about who your lying to when you do it...? What is it?

Others

There's a post about Lex too coming along... But I'm not sure about the "tale"...

Koff Tale

I actually "dated" this girl for a bet... Which I couldnt do... There's one thing I still feel bad about though and that's that I remember this time during that and she was all like "what should I ware?" and I actually told her to basically cover her whole body and I didn't want to see her face(in subtext)...

That gamble really taught me that I could really be a bad person...

(and dated? Nah don't count unless it's more then a week)

The Cas tale

Hmm.... Cassidy... The honest reason why I went out with her is because I get soft hearted for people. Like there were things that went on before that that resulted in my soft heartedness. I have a soft heart, like if I see a women crying I just feel like I gotta help. The kinda person I am inside is I feel a need to help everyone... Though on the outside I seem like I'm some mean guy or an asshole...(of the many I've been called) but anyways there was multiple times before we started dating that I was there for her while she was crying about whatever. And the thing is I just love feeling like the superhero and being the superhero which is what I enjoyed about that relationship and why it continued on.... But there are some other things that went on or supposedly went on I'm sure you've heard about or have been said. But the matter of that relationship is that what happens on the bus... What actually was happening its about time I tell.... Yea we cuddled on the bus, and there was a kiss... That is all though... She acted a certain way(not to blame anyone but that's the way it was) she chose to get extra "slutty" at times. I never told her to do the stuff, taking clothes off and stuff. She did it, am I wrong for going along? Probably in some people's minds but I'm a guy, I love that kinda stuff.lol

I felt a need to clear this up because during this time there was a lot of things being said were going on but weren't...

Why you dont know

The reason why there's things you don't know, is because as friends ... There's like a certain way I go about things with you like without you knowing of any lustful eye that I have on you. So it's stuff that you don't know of (yet!) ... Because I haven't told you (yet!)

The word I use (is it just a word to you?)

Well this love thing.... It's like I feel like I'm stretching out a word right now... So it may be necessary to remove it from my vocabulary for a uncertain amount of time... Does this mean that I show you? Hmm who knows... Honestly feel like I'm falling with you right now but what that means (I'll keep to myself) well lets be positive right.lol while I'm talking here I listen to music in the background and I get to thinking? What are you... Are you even here with me today? While see its early off to tell..

(I feel like though I may mean something and i know what i mean it may become just a meaningless word I use with you in my vocabulary if I use it the way I want and mean to). So for the sake of (maybe) I'll see what I can do because what I mean I'm not sure you really know...

Old Js...

How would poems from the old days fit me here, would it mean I'm going back to my old ways? No maybe just in a daze..

Caveman me

Me not tired, me kinda miss someone, me thinking of you, caveman tempted tonight to post multiple over interesting post...

Me caveman undecided..

Hello

So are you ready?

Broman

Hi broman nice to meet you, nice to see you... But I delete you talkin like ya know me..

Wife

Went to bed
searching for everything
I need in my life
Woke up angry
As I looked next to me
where's my wife?

Wtf man

I feel sick... I feel everything.... I am not well at all..... Congrats it finally gets to me!!!!!!!

Lex catch

You looked sexy today....well you always do to me... I'd say I miss you? But what really is the point in that? I'd say you are my everything? But why tell you what control you have over me? I lust you more everyday..

My trust in you still stands, but I hate the way things are between us... You might not have feelings for me and that's fine n dandy but just let me get this out of my system if I can.. Ima be honest completely.... I want you, your body, your soul, you as a whole... I don't care about issues... It's not too much for me... I still feel you..

I just want to love you because I love you... I can't wish it to be... It's already me.. I want you in my arms, I want you out of harm... I want a date, I want this, I want that... I miss the feeling you gave me, I miss the feeling, our togetherness for me is a craving rattling at me day n night... I try my best not to lose it when I see you like a moment alone... I need you... I no longer ask can I help you, I simply feel that I can...

Odd ball

Ahh I feel odd... But is it better then I've felt lately? Hurt, smart, stupid, regretful, neglectful, ignorant (when I wanna be), an asshole, wanting what feels like is in my grasp but may not be there, sad, disappointed, like me in my day is the robot, tired, happy, mood swing with a beat... The list goes on.... Feeling this what am I? Seeing this how am I? How do you all watch? Or is this just some of the battle inside me?

Get it?

Catch me 5-9
Catch me 12 - 5
Catch me 8- 12
Catch me 1-3

Family views....

I wanna find essence in something... Yet I see none. I feel like I'm not sure what I'm Writing music for like I'm being pushed to right now by my father... He spends time thinking about what he invested... You invested in your son... Nough said.. your view on the way I should do things won't get me to where I'm trying to go... You are very over pricey as far as things go... You feel a need to other charge people therefore making me no money.... You feel I should charge people to listen to me yet I'm not known enough... This strategy won't work... Street albums are free you want me to charge... Fuck I look like Jay Z? Diddy? I think it's best if I walk my own path with most of this... Your guide won't guide me correct you simply see music from a ore business standpoint and always make a profit... This isn't the field to see it that way yet... Your eyes on me only force me to produce halfassed work that has no real heart... You compare me to these other artist when I know I can be better, you just need to let me get there and stop rushing me... Let me grow as an artist and get the fuck out of my face.....


...on that note my family and I do not agree on where I'm going and how I'm going to get there...

My Depression?

Why does it seem that I go into a very depressed state after school or typically in the late evenings on weekends? Like I just feel generally bad and regretful... But what do I have to regret? What do I have to feel bad about? Maybe my "depression" is just my body telling me I need sleep because after I sleep I feel fine and those thoughts are gone with only a slight memory of them... I need to be happy again, I need to feel it.... And not just my burst of joy I get when a certain someone's actions surprises me or when I'm alone with this person, and i want to do ... Well what isn't spoken of or something generally with this person...but an everlasting joy that I can live with... Either Way this is a problem thats real for me and I do have some looking into to do...

Dazzling night

I'm tired and I've been really surprised with someone lately... They really are dazzling me... Hope it last:)

Weekend summary

Haven't posted something to the public all weekend, I just realized... Well I'm tired.... I've done alittle music this weekend.... That's working toward an underground project... Lowkey... Things have been quiet this weekend... Hopefully that's a good thing... I really fucked up yesterday doing something I shouldn't have been but ya know... I'll work it out... I love you B and hope you still read but I never know... I love my friends and those motivators by my side I'm sorry I forgot about you but you'll have really helped me this weekend so thank you....

Silly me but like my tophat?

Silly me... I'm all smiles of you when I ponder.. I mixed together I solid plan today for the future... I just hope it goes into place right..

"There's something beautiful about the way she moves.... Like her hair blows in the air... Glowing without a sunbeam I'm trying not to stare... :D"

Fly Away

Wont you just fly away with me... just you and me... no one else...... This is what I want right now, is it too much to ask? you tell me... I want to see "Us" so I no longer have too dream about it..... I don't put it on a pedestal because its a relationship, I just am over interested in where it goes ...

The reeeee

The thing is only when I'm around you can I forget her... Just doesn't seem so important....

Then I have these other women... It's like I just got my basis back with some of them and they flirt and want to do more... But I actually don't want to. I don't feel like I want anything to do with these women... They disinterest me, I feel sick when I talk to them... Wtf?

Instead of intended

Someone's in a boggle of a situation...(shruggs "boggle" ?) well it seems that what I hear is it's love... He loves you..... Hmmm I just don't get it... And since this is my blog I may as well go-in and speak from The heart and all.... How do you love someone you put your hands on? I view him as such a bad person.... Scrum of the earth at best... I just don't believe he does, I feel his lying, I feel he waste your time.... But I'll stop there on that... He's to me a bitch ass nigga... And I use it how I use it...

I don't know what really to say like... I think you should deal with it... Because this is your growing situation... And it gets worse as the days go on that you dont do anything about it...as it seems... These situations I never understand... Maybe it's easier for me to deal with a situation when it arises then you... My thoughts on it I don't feel are right for me to tell you... A part of me really wants to say this but then another tells me to say something else out of the goodness of my heart... I'm fencing really ...

Behind me

I'd put all previous engagements behind me for only one.... If the one is you... Don't be blinded by the nonsense, I mean it and I say it without a fear..

Realize

If I ever felt like I had all the answers.... If I ever felt like the truth wasn't so stretched when the words get to me... If I could tell you what's been on my mind lately and you'd understand.... I would have no post to hide.... If it was as simple as me and you the way I want it to be... The joy we'd dance... My honesty, trust, heart, and mind there's only one I could give it all... If you could realize the way I see it, the way it could be.... But then there's no promise with what I say the only promise I can give you is that you'll have my heart and no one else... You already do, you just really don't know it... Tread lightly... On the hopeless heart of a poet... A song to the words I feel on the page about you before I see them visible, you are special my words arent for everyone though you hear them here digital...

Look at you

Who Am I here? Cause I think Ive been every guy in the past..... except one at moments ..... okay I know love is hard... but if thats the game, I know I can beat it with you..... you know who you are, and if you dont thats a shame.... I'll put it behind me..

~ the open heart

Love comtemplating

listen a little, and feel me... I did this a couple weeks ago when I was debating posting "Mine" which I currently have in my blog roll of things to post in the future.... I feel like it depends on where things go if it sees the light of day... but idk and considering its already out in the open.. you just cant see it yet... is it even my decision anymore....?

The missing other half of a post

I feel like just plain kissing you and hugging you and holding you and more... But because of how strongly I feel I want to do this I'm not sure if it's how I feel or if it's over infatuation... But how can it be infatuation? I've felt this way for awhile... It's not new in the moment, it's just renewed... I started to feel this way about you when you said you were ugly... It really.... Brought somethings back... Including some old feelings... Because I was already thinking about the day I made that picture for you, and the feelings that I feel for you right now make me feel funny inside... But like I like it and it makes me want to smile... I feel bothered... I haven't felt This much in awhile... The feeling of being scared, excited...

I'm confused inside.... But to be a bit more truthful B. E. F. I want you.... Now... If you want to give "Us"a go...

How inspiration works

"To A Flower....


Let's dance in the rain
Run on my love
It's an ocean of love
Long as you love me
The sand don't sink
I pull you closer
As our lips meet
We seein clovers
How lucky we are
Just to have each otha
What more could I ask for
Someone with a smile
That brightens my day
A girl with a personality
Damn she wild
What could I change
What would I change
She's just my style
Catchin my speed
From the way you do ya hair
To ya laugh
Damn girl you mean
Catchin my eye
Like a firefly
Igniting my heart
Like don't ya
know ya got me
You had me
From the start
Ya hit the right buttons
Startin me up
If your the driva
I'll ride with you
You be the driver
I'll take the car
You can ride me
Hate to thrust upon you
But when I thrust
I'm on you
Body against
You want control
Pull the throttle
Take it slow
I aint rushin things
Less you want to
We don't have to
Plans with you
For the future
What I plan to
I got the kinda lovin
You ain't used to
I'm changin Ya luck
Them Otha guys
Don't see you like I do
Let em lose
Let em lose sight
Of the most beautiful flower
In the garden
As I find you
See you there
Meet me moonlight
Dinners on me
After all I'm the winner
Prizin you
Not the item
But if the ring ill
bring me closer to your heart
Then I have to
Hold up
I'm movin to fast again
Let's me see where it takes us
Hopeless romantic
Damn my habit
Begins n ends with you
It's my life
And your my world
Livin everyday with you
Like my last
Stop the clock
I don't wanna forget
This moment
Lets pause it in time
This our world
So let's make it up
We make it up
Just me n you
Let's take it up
I gotta be as High as it gets
But damn girl I love you
Let's not forget
That's the one thing
They can't change
Or ever take away
This is us
We do it
The way we want to
So let's live it up..."



I woke up at 2 in the morning and write this song...

Thanks for the inspiration beautiful :)


This was suppose to come after the other half of the blogpost but I've been feeling really excited to post some music here lately... Considering who it's about I'm really proud of it...

A bit of confusion but honesty

Sometimes when I say things I mean them more then when I'd usually say them... Like " I love you" it doesn't mean the same all the time more or less... Sometimes I say it to give somebody my trust and let them know they have my trust and I care about them(a lot) (never do people get it when I say a lot)...

..... Half or maybe more then half of this post is missing because I don't feel right about it yet.... Well I do, but it isn't just me it relates to... I feel crazy to say the least...

Repeat

I hate to feel like I'm repeating my self... As well as doing things too soon so I'll sit on my hands with the decision of doing this for awhile...

Complicated views

Wanting somebody back doesn't exactly feel the way it should in this situation.... I feel almost like I might.... I would date her again, I kinda want to.... My reasons are funny though... Like if I could, would I? Typically, I think I'd want somebody back for something particular that I miss in the relationship... Like a kiss or something like that maybe... But it's like I'm not sure if that's what I miss, or what I miss. I feel like I just miss (her) but what that necessarily means I don't know... I miss hugging her and stuff like that when I see her, I think... And being able to tell her almost anything as far as the way I feel and feel understood and not argue about it and like she actually cared what I told her... Also like I miss being around her, like not talking when we were together didn't bother me all that much...just some days... Like I was comfortable in the silence at times, And every time I felt like she didn't care she just did something to remind me without knowing what I was thinking at those moments... I could be comfortable... And I felt like there was somebody out there that I was lucky enough to be with that understood me.. Like things had changed for the better for me.

But there are the things I didn't like also.... Why is it that when we date it never is for more then 2 months? Like everytime we breakup after about a month and 2 weeks....

So do I want her back? Would that be good for me? I feel like inside me tells me yes but like an outside me tells me no.... Do I have them weighing on my shoulders? But this isn't a cartoon...

Like I'm not even sure if I need her... Right now... But give me 2 days, I'll have my shit figured out..

Future

I have been thinking and this smile on my face idk what it's for either... But I came to a conclusion that lead me to be relaxed and not to worry about the past.. I gotta bright future after all..

Well this just generally made me feel better after writing....

What do I do
Can it be hard
Man she fitted every picture
Like we danced in my dreams
N kissed the night away
Then I felt okay wit it
Like not even in
My dreams did I get it
But damn I felt like
That was a piece of the puzzle
Below a promise of bliss
Why do I got now
Just old photos
Old dreams
Wasted plans
I'm to move on
But even if I do
I sit up at night
Thinkin bout her
Wantin to talk or text
Like if I could tell
A women every thought
That I feel
Every moment
I conceal
Would it be enough
No because hearing
Her thoughts made mine
Seein her smile made time
I looked into her eyes
N felt fine
Damn I'm losin control
And that night ...
It was hard for me to do it
Like I cried the night away
Then got up
The next day
Smiled like I was fine
But my heart rushed inside
Crushed inside
I had to do something
Dropped an Ep
About her
Check it out online
Was it enough
No I still
Get no incline
Runnin miles
Searching for a hope or dream
I feel like a clown
Entertainin kids before I drink
A thousand child's tears
For all that I don't get
Once again
Nobodies perfect
So decisions
I don't get
I cant put time
Into everything
But its not my time
That I found important here
It's her that I found important
I'm not the kinda person
To leave someone
At a moment of helplessness
Not that your helpless
I just know
I couldn't help this
But even if I couldn't
I'd find someone who could
The words go a shorter
Distance then i could
..................................
That line goes to show
my mind isn't fine
So I'm talkin from the heart
Because any thought
Would never reach this
In time
But a heart was never
Meant to run alone
So I got yours in case
I lost mine
I asked for yours
You gave it to me
You got mine
So does it mean
you know How I feel
Tell me wit
my words in the air
Tell me we're still here
Tell me you love me
Tell me we're not lost
Cause the cost
Ain't there for me
My heart tokens
I spent mine....


Then again I'm alone
As I write this
Like I see someone
Layin next to me
But it can't be
I'm as alone as a hyphen
And I type it clear
Tryna do the math
Wishin We could take this equal
But we need to be together
To find a plus in this world
The x represents
The number of days
We're not together
No one really knows yet
Help me solve the equation
When it's love
I'm tryna get to
Sure there's still some things
That make me not get you
But I see this girl next to me
It seems together
The problem we get through
Girl meaning you
Come help me
Damn it I'll help you
They say we do what we can
I'm tryna do what I want
But I need you
I miss the point
Without you
I can't see my future
As good if I aint got you
Your needed in this
emergency room
They tryna take me apart
Startin with my heart
I won't let em get it without you
Needed a transplant
I got yours
We got mine
Then traded-in
Like cars do
Sure I hope you get this
But to admit it
The Understanding is short
Gave god the tall order
Bringing us together
So Mr. Out there
Can you hear me
That's all I want
You n forever..

Convert

No I'm not going to complain about what people don't do or anything like that... Ima just...well convert it... I have my life in a moment so I'll live it that way too.... The repeats are there, the future is clear, and I have to move it...

All smiles :)

Congrats to me.... In the matter of two days I released a EP and single as well as will be putting a relationship behind me.... Like literally I'll be putting it behind me this weekend with my activities....(nough said) so what if I make a few bad decisions it's given to me....

Hurts

Nothing aggravates me more and just stirs my soul then seeing somebody needs help and not being able to help them.. Exspecially(spellcheck) people I care about, it hurts me so much not being able to do anything for them..

Chill

Sitting here doing..... Well what I do and I see my phone.... Nothing from anybody, not a call...not a text...nothing.... Well I guess my social life must be like OVVEERR!!(over dramatic teen girl voice) well I mean that's cool I get it from people like that, damn I must be that fucking awesome nobody wants to talk to me or chill with me...(chuckles) My life couldn't be more chill...

Soon as I walk in the door

Came home and literally turned on my music and cried myself to sleep.....The tears never have felt that good. Music is my savior... Not just today either looking back.... My love songs are niice... Rather anybody likes them or not!

Life her

Worried about her, not going to show it, and I'm trying not to worry... Tomorrow I think ima try something with her, idk. Everytime I plan to do something something goes wrong or something. I got the idea cause of something she did today, so I figure it's worth a try. Wrote near another song I might post later(lyrics). But idk.. I hate the feeling like she's not happy.

I want to focus on my music, but it kinda seems like another part of my life needs my attention right now so I'll flock there..

Short poem

Just something I wrote yesterday trying to get inspired among other things...

I'm tired of bein sad
Tired of missing all the things
I one day used to smile because I had
Sick of dreaming of you
And all the good times
We've had
But when time passes
Sometimes so does love
Left in the wind
As Far Out of my grasp
As the moment
you hit send
With that well thought out
3 page text message
Saying you want me back...

My music

So the thing is I'd let the people I write music (to) listen to the music if I wasn't worried about ridicule and the value of the songs meaning less to me after they hit some virgin ears... I want the ridicule as worse as it comes and I want honest opinion from the person it was written about... But at the same time I don't feel they will understand what it means to me, what it's meant to me, nor the process and overall what I went through personally before I wrote the song, during when I wrote the song, and how I felt when I wrote the song... Like some of this stuff had me in tears to write... And virgin ears I don't think would get that also I don't would really hear the message I'm trying to put through and get across...

Love?

Alright so maybe I should stop saying love.... I feel as maybe I make certain persons feel bad or just not good when I say that... But when I say that I mean it, like literally I'd marry someone that I say that to. Love doesn't just mean marriage though either I'd spend the rest of my life with that person... If it was me and that person left on the earth, I would survive... I feel like nobody understands it, or really feels/ sees it the way I do... Can I be the only human being with belief in love...?

You

The only person I ever loved and didn't doubt it was you... The doubt has never been there from the moment I told you... And you know I love your voice like it just tends to make me smile.... I really struggle sometimes..

About you, her...then me...

My honest feelings for you right now is I do have very strong feelings for you but however I am not sure if some things you say I can trust or to really believe... I want to but its never been that simple for me. Umm it was kinda awkward for me on Friday because I think I gave you more attention then Her. (daps)


Though it's like I really literally haven't seen her in like 2 weeks and she basically acted like it was a weekend which bothers me but whatever...

Maybe I'll just have to do something to invoke a response from her... One of the things about the day I didn't like but that's cool ya know... It seems like its back to the same game that was going on before break. Great!!!(the highest level or sarcasm and inner anger)

Back to Doctor M

Is my condition worsening or am I just noticing it a lot more? Dr. Mario what should I do? What can a do? My fatal heart conditions continues to worsen and get better...feeling like it could be better elsewhere? But I'm not there yet am I? If "there" is where my heart is, it's not ready to leave... Or My heart may have already left if it was ever there because its like how can you be in two places at the same time...? When the first place you never left? My complications.... (when I ponder)
Because its one thing here and whats been there is beyond it...

Where's the pill for this?

Questions, Questions

Wouldn't you like to know what makes me tick? Wouldn't you like to know what makes me happy? What makes me write? Why I do things? If I'm misunderstand I'll explain.... You just have to ask me to... If you care....

Priority

Music is my priority, I mean I love music after all or above all... Trying not to write these particular kinds of songs anymore... But the songs that I wrote, I'm not sure if I can handle anymore...

Want it (dont I)

Almost passed out yesterday....great ain't it? (sarcasm) well Im not trying to show I want something bad enough, but I want it bad ...enough(get it) it's like #2 on my list of ..... Things...

Future songs

"Can't see the love here... Let me see you care..."

A hook to one of my future songs... But how's that so because I told myself I'd quit love songs..

So maybe you were right about it Bee

So maybe your right... My changing or me wanting to might be do to a certain someone... Like I really picked that up today... It may be whats going on with me and her that's causing me this trouble... Like I gotta feel like shes doing something sneaky or there's something wrong all the time... Yet I trust her? Or do I? Maybe not fully... It's like today I just felt like.... A napkin.... In a way around her... Just I don't know....

To bee and onto other things..

What do you mean "enough"? I can understand everything else (kinda) nothing I don't really expect. I know all that with my girl and Dan I get that, I'm talking all that set aside.


On another note in the source and it's just oh so great!(sarcasm) I love the feeling around some of these people, but I hate the feeling of the "educators" As well as I feel as though I'm calling attention to myself from the eyes of others I'm not interested... (-_-) evil eyes get my feel..? Jealousy...is passion(at times) but envy is what is intolerable wanting what others have is "the look of disgust" given from people... Why I never give it to people...

Well Bee

Tomorrows suppose to be the date but I haven't been feeling it much lately like I used to...(probably due to all my recent honesty with you) should I? Well your probably going to tell me to do what I have to so I ask myself while asking you why am I asking... Is your opinion going to change anything? Probably, which is why I consult you on what I should do.. Your opinions matter and I do take into consideration more so now then ever...well except 8th year that was a mean year "mean" meaning good.. But that's only when I look back on it... Should you see me in the morning? How bout spending the love with a hug?(chuckles) this break didn't go as I had planned it and everything that would've had me doing things differently I don't feel matters anymore... (rocks of my chest) but is that leaving me open to have them thrown at me? While see...

There's a post I'm sitting on.....while on few post but one of which includes "The Letter L" and another includes "Mine" idk about posting these because they are just .... To me and it's like why ruin that... "Mine" surprises me more then anything because I felt damn good writing that compared to anything on "The Letter L" and it's like I'm considering removing a song off "the Letter L" because it wasn't completely for her so maybe I'm wrong for putting it there... The Outro to the Letter L wasn't as expected, that really had me tearing up and like it ends that ending... (looks for better words) I planned a Letter L 2 but it was never finished and it seems as though that inspiration maybe gone or no longer inspiring to me.... Well I'm off to reconsider ...(daps)

I wont give up on you Bee

Watch this video and listen to the song, I feel it speaks something like my heart does... "I won't give up on you" Then again it's like I never do because of the fact that when we're growing further apart I still think about you. I just don't make as big a deal about it, and make myself think I don't do it that much when the fact is your on my mind at least 22 hours a day. The only thing is I don't think I know you that well, because I feel like I just love everything about you. Like your just this human being that's amazing flaws and all. Like your perfect for me... But how is that possible? Nobody else has been, nobody else makes me feel like that? Why do you make me feel like that? The arguments don't effect me really... I only get mad at the idea of you with someone else ... Like I can see us together and happy and I think I can make you happy. But do you think I can? Can I? Theres some doubts in my mind that didn't use to be. More of 8th grade us? Idk because it's like I dont want more of the past with the way I've felt about certain things and you, then only to go through everything over again. What does 8th grade us mean? What is 8th grade "us"? What kinda future do we hold? That's what I want to know, I know it really can't be answered but it's like your the only person I know that I don't know where we're going really or what's next... it's like I don't want to waste my time doing certain things. But your not a waste of my time, so please dont take it that way your one of the best ways I could think of spending my time ..well with you...?it's just what I want to know is pursuing a relationship with you to see where it takes us a waste of my time or is expressing my love for you a waste of time? Because if friends is what were going to be I want to plan accordingly.. (not to be an asshole if that makes me one or seem like one). I don't want to be some guy that it's nice to know is out there or a friend that "must hold his peace"....(for better words) I'm not worried about "how it ends up" because if I care about you and you care about me then that's not a worry. I'm not going to hurt you... It's not something I'll do. I couldn't forgive myself for it after years of wanting something so bad just to fuck up like that. I'm not begging for a chance or any crap like that, I'm done with that. That's not me, and i don't know how I went there before.. That's demeaning to myself.

All this stuff is what my frustration has been with you. What do you want "us" to be? I can't do anything unless I know. I know what I want...do you? When I asked you this before you told me you don't know.... Please tell me you know now, so I can understand. So that I don't feel like a "blind mice" with you. If a friend is what you want that's what I'll give you I just need to know? It's like sometimes you seem like you care more then a friend should but you don't want to admit it or something. I notice it, but when I ask you why your again with a "I don't know".... Just Give me understanding of what you want. I'm not going to be hurt either way I need to.. know...